A little late, but here's a little reflection I wrote for 2016.
Spoiler alert: It was pretty shit.
2016 was honestly horrid for me, marking the year where for the first time in my life, I contemplated if I had depression. Fortunately, I did not. Never did.
But that did not discount the fact that I started to strongly hate life. I may have gotten out of bed everyday, but I always knew that it wasn’t going to be a good day.
I was just angry all the time. From having to deal with money struggles as a starving artist, furious rumination in my head to most of all, an extremely toxic relationship, many were the days which were overwhelmingly tough. As a result, I took to destroying things in the house, a lot.
I also isolated myself from friends and family through passive aggressive acts like quitting all my chat groups and never picking up my calls, all under the convenient, albeit real explanation that I am an introvert.
I started to believe that I wasn’t a good person, for if I were to act out my thoughts, somebody would get hurt, which was okay I guess since I have stayed out of trouble all my life.
Growing up, I had no role models, even today. I was never close to my late dad while my brother and I have always been practically strangers.
For some reason, the anger from the lack of support and loneliness started to manifest itself last year only. And that was okay too I guess since I got to learn how to take care of myself.
I encountered a bunch of toxic people last year. It boggles my mind how some people function, always acting without a care for consequences that’d hurt others. In particular, I saw how people would put on a front to appear good when in actual fact, it was a mere disguise to hide their own fears and insecurities. Alas, I got tangled within.
We say that we can’t change the world and that we need to accept the bad. Then we say that’s okay too because that’s just how it is.
I don’t expect most to read this and actually believe a word of it. Friends mostly see me as the beer-drinking, girl-chasing Bboy who doesn’t seem to care about issues.
But that’s okay with me too perhaps.
This is not an article on resolutions. You’re too smart for that.
It’s about being okay just by being okay.
Maybe you have aspirations, jealousy and envy even of wanting to be truly something that comes with a title people can cling on to. Maybe you just want to be happy, like I do too myself. Maybe you’re falling short and starting to blame yourself. Maybe life is just shit… and that’s okay.
I don’t think you ever need to become a self-help cliche anymore.
You can just exist. You can be interested in things. You can take a little break and have some fun. You can even screw up. You can be mightily flawed. You can be anything below what we think is a must for a happy and successful life.
You just have to be sensible in your own unique way as you trod forward, however small your steps may be.
And when others question you, you can say that it’s okay because you’re just trying to be you through your own acceptance.
That’s okay. It will be okay.
At least for myself, I know these lines are not lies anymore.
#ellowrites #writing #ello #writer #2016 #expression #rant #musings #words