I was going through the posts I made last year and I'm a little disappointed. There is very little difference between what I feel today versus this day/week/month one year ago. This time last year, I was making big moves after the death of my father. Feeling both helpless but driving to be in control, filled with bitter rage and deep sympathy. For my father, for his family, for my brother, for my mother.
There is a part of me that just wants to forgive and forget, to release my father from the litany of failures I hold him responsible for.
But I keep hitting a wall. How do you remake or reinvent a father/son relationship that never worked? How do you grant forgiveness to someone you can't talk to anymore? How do you work through a long-standing conflict between two people when there is only one of you left?
To be clear, he wasn't evil. He was just bad at being a parent. He was exhaustingly selfish. A textbook narcissist. And. And. And.
And a lot of other dumb things, unfortunate situations, and irresponsible circumstances I continue to hold him responsible for.
The good times were good, but not good enough, and I'm feeling a little awful that I can't just forgive and forget.