I guess I should update some life shit so like. It's now almost the end of Junior year for me which is kind of eh bcus it means I'm getting closer to needing to have adult responsibilities which I mean I should prepare for that but I'm just apprehensive about it. Some of the shit on here is like. Fucking CRAZY to me like how I procrastinated on my summer project till the last 2 days (honestly tho I probably haven't made leaps and bounds in that aspect of my personality/behavior). I failed this Junior board thing which is supposed to be a proposal for a Senior Project idea but luckily I just have to fix a couple aspects and even then I can't change what's happened so I might as well move forward instead of wallowing in negative feelings (which I think is a good lesson that I should remember). Recently tho I've been getting unreasonably bitter/angry and that's not good. I mean technically there IS a reason, in fact probably multiple reasons that hae built up on each other, but none of them are really. Good reasons. I've felt better the past few days though, so I just need to focus on staying positive (yet at the same time I'm finding it hard to strike a balance between striving to improve myself and staying positive/satisfied with my circumstances so I feel like there's some other underlying issue I need to resolve, idk). Also I've been biking lately and I find it to be very fun/useful. I've also just recently (today, actually) gotten into some K-Pop songs. Finally jumped on the bandwagon lol. Also I read In Cold Blood and Into The Wild for AP English and didn't procrastinate on reading either of them (in fact, I finished In Cold Blood ahead of schedule. I really liked it. First time in a while that I've read a book so fervently to where I've read it during classes where I SHOULD be paying attention).
Also Into the Wild kinda gave me some insight into myself because like. Chris's whole thing of him coming to the conclusion (or at least seeming to) that happiness was "only real when shared", as in he was happiest when around others, kinda struck a chord with me because I've kind of done the same thing Chris did where I've isolated myself and refused to believe that I needed others to be happy. Which may or may not be the same, if anything I should've said I felt that I did something SIMILAR to what he did in a way, or at least I FELT it was similar enough to where I sorta related to it.
But yeah, at this point I've basically come to the conclusion that yeah, I do need close friends, no matter how much I'd rather that not be the case, since I feel like it would be easier to just be able to stay within a little bubble containing me, myself, and I (which honestly, at this point I highly doubt that that is the case). Recently I thought that maybe I just felt lonelier because I've had more major confidence issues lately, and that might be a main contributor, but after looking back on some of the stuff I wrote back in like 9th and 10th grade and thinking of the stuff I said as far back as 7th grade, I've realized that this loneliness and desire for closeness has been going on for a LONG TIME.
I know that at this point I should probably be developing myself and trying to reach out to others considering this conclusion I've come to, but honestly I've had this stirring around in my mind for a while and I haven't done anything so I might just continue that for a bit longer. Probably pretty pathetic honestly, that I come to such a huge conclusion and do nothing about it. But I think I'm just gonna take things slow and mainly work on bein more positive because I've noticed that with my increase in the positivity (or at least balance) of my attitude that I've gained more confidence, which in turn affects how I interact with others, so I'll see if that takes me anywhere. Anyways it's almost 2 AM so I'm going to sleep now.