All of last night and most of this morning was pure, white hot mental pugilism.
Paranoia, insecurity and a wicked bend of inferiority seeps in my bones, Constant Reader. This is why, even though I had years of therapy and the validation that what I've suffered in my childhood and teenage years was heavily triggering garbage that a child shouldn't go through, I'm still that lonely child left in the dark on everything. Willing to please on command and left with the minuscule of crumbs.
So, it's been a bombardment of people (more family than friends, mind.... the bulk of my friends know better) wondering if "Can you do this for me? Since I don't know how and you've always seemed go with computers." or "I want you to do this, since I've become complacently lazy and can't be bothered something something something blah blah blah I will never compensate you for your time and money and WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO SEE ME BECAUSE LET ME PASSIVELY AGGRESSIVELY TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME WHEN YOUR COUSIN CAME UP TO DRIVE ME AROUND AND FLABBLITY BLOOP BLOOP FARRRRRTTTTT..."
And so on and so on and scoobie-doobie dooooobie.
It's enough that the phrase "Can you do me a favor?" haunts me in my nightmares.
I've been in a funk since my mind goblins are whispering that people are only using me and that only company isn't going to cut it.
That I'm just a dirty computer workhorse, not worthy of anything else.
I know it's bullshit and having said mind goblins should be easy to brush off, but damn it didn't hit the mark this week.
So, my weapons of choice is finally paying off that trip to Japan, picking up my altered kimono on Thursday and maybe taking the upcoming weekend to enjoy this weather. Maybe have that solo picnic that I've been craving. So, I'm not around people who sting me with not being heard or seen or want to have me around. I have to not be around people to live among them.
So, i'll keep on saying the mantra that as saved my life for the rest of the week:
"This won't kill me, I won't die here. I am not my past, I'm not my future. I'm right now and I am enough."
Please to remember that you are enough, Constant Reader. You will always be in my eyes, even when your mind goblins tell you otherwise.
#writing #ellowrites #mentalhealth #enoughisenoughisenough #sometimesyourmindisyourworstenemy