I am quitting smoking.
I remember why I started smoking in the first place and maybe cigarettes have been my only real friend since 11 years ago. everybody else left.
I guess I never really liked to anyone. even if I am somewhat good looking.
I actually live a solitary life in a rent house, don't have much money, forniture and I lost contact with all my friends since elementary school to college, now even starting to lose contact with my own familly.
They always told me what to do. teacher, family, mother and father, taking into account that I come from very low social status familly. their advices never really did anything good for me. "Don't drink" they said, but my father was alcoholic, Don't do drugs they said, but my own father and brothers did drugs. Don't have a girlfriend they are only trouble. but they always had their fair share of love.
My old time friends were never really my friends. they felt threatened by my looks in the women competition contest. I was constantly bullied, and teachers had me as a bad example due my long hair and I being a man, in time where most places had taboos about image, guess they didn't realize I was actually the poorest guy in the school who looked like a top fashion france model. I couldn't afford dating. My brothers and father had taken all my chances already.
But I could afford one single thing, cigarettes, all my friends and family had cigarettes, even if sometimes there was no energy in my house. So I took one, two, three until it became more than ten years of smoking.
The same problems remained with everyone, maybe only mom and cigarettes are the only thing that have stood by my side for so long time. Which reminds me. I just recently kicked out of my house mom, she is not a smoker, she is hoarder, who in the top of that purchased my great 2 packs a day of cigarettes to keep my mood about her under control.
I think It's time for me to get rid of only thing that traces me back to all my past and life. Cigarrets. Were cigarettes my friends, yes, were the people who gave me cigarettes my friends, no.
Reminds me of that "Blink 182" song, called "Adam's Song."..... I never thought I'll die alone too. my dear Adam.