I'm powerless to you. To your abuse. Those mean words you scream at me at 3 am. You make me feel so worthless. Like i'm replaceable. When you make me clench my teeth in public because you whisper those nasty things in my ear. Almost everyday you make me cry. Then those days when you don't get to me you bring your friends to join in on the fun. They scream at me until my ears bleed. No one can stop you. No one can help me but myself. Friends can throw me the rope but I wont get out of this pit unless I climb.
I'm powerless to you. To your abuse. When you tell me everyone could be shot up any minute. That if i go to sleep they will all die and it will be my fault. My family will die. That the only way to save them is to stay awake. And when i'm by myself and you are the only voice i hear it makes sense. You make me feels so worthless. Like i'm replaceable. When you tell me everyone is staring at me. That they are whispering about me. That my best friend of 3 years thinks i'm annoying and that she doesn't really like me. That people would rather hear my silence because i'm so unwanted. Almost everyday you make me cry. Then when I feel like i've pushed you away enough to be able to smile for once in what could be days, weeks, months, etc. You activate everyone else. Then i'm back at square one Fighting to breathe because everyone overwhelms me. And, you will never be stopped. And i guess that my fault for having so many triggers.
You see i'm in an abusive relationship and his name is Anxiety. And what scares me the most is no matter how much help i receive he will always be here to tell me i'm not good enough. I will never in my entire life be able to get rid of him. And maybe he's lonely. That's why he does what he does to me. So i'll stay. But last time i checked i never signed up to deal with this. Because call me heartless but i don't care how he feels. I don't freaking care. He never seems to worry about how i feel.
And everyone tells me to be strong, like that helps. They tell me life's short so i might as well just focus on the positives. Because me being negative is the problem. People forget that when I wake up in the morning I don't CHOSE to turn on a SWITCH that brings Anxiety and OCD and ADD in the room. Everyone acts like i set myself up for failure. Like i invited them all for tea and now they won't leave. They have been here since day one and have just grown with me. And, no. It's NOT something i can get used to. But, god i wish i could find a normal for my madness.