Dear, the girl who swears she has anxiety.
Trust me. You don't have anxiety. Anxiety isn't flinching when a ball comes right at your partner. Or getting scared or nervous when you present. Because if it was those things you wouldn't have presented with such a glorious smile. And you wouldn't have laughed when that ball hit the boys face.
You don't know anxiety and I hope you never do. "Then what is anxiety?" You challenge me. And with a smirk on my face I reply....
'Anxiety is the constant feeling that something bad is going to happen. That something, anything bad is going to happen to anyone or everyone. It's your thoughts taking over. It tells you to catch but doesn't throw the ball. So you are just always on that fight or flight mode.
Never calming down. Your mind won't let you. It's too busy torturing you. Making you look like you are insane! It's like you are the airplane and the pilot is your mind. It takes you off auto pilot and takes over whenever it pleases. Fighting to take back over usually makes you melt down rather than regain control. Or in this metaphor it makes your system malfunction than it would actually just switch back over.
Anxiety that shadow in our head. The man that can't be seen. It haunts you. It keeps you up at night bugging you with all of these what if's.
- "What if the door isn't unlocked and someone comes in and shoots up the house?"
- "What if when your little brother went to grab his ball a car lost control and ran over him in our yard?"
- "What if everyone stops breathing in the middle of the night and you can only save so many? Who would it be?"
Once anxiety has tortured you enough it will sing you a lullaby to help you calm down. Though you can only remember bits of pieces of the lullaby/ song.
The parts where the chorus goes "and you aren't good enough and you never will be. I'll show you the definition of insanity"
It's not all bad no. It prepares you for things. Or so I have been told. So just incase my school gets shot up, or just incase I get kidnapped, or just incase someone breaks into my house. I will be prepared because anxiety has given me the chance to make that step by step plan to stop it or control the situation or to just get out of there.
There are different kinds of anxiety. Some anxiety makes you hear and see things that aren't there, it makes you open and close the door 37x, or makes you bite all of your nails off until they bleed, or get up in the middle of the night to make sure the door is locked.
No you do not experience anxiety because the only thing you are stressing over is this match in gym you couldn't quit win but, even then you laugh it off. Anxiety is NOT something you laugh off. Where as I stress over everything and it's usually at once.
You are perfectly fine walking down the hallway because, you don't hear everything at once making it simply impossible to understand your thoughts. Or sometimes it's so hard to focus on conversations and your mind is the only thing you can hear. Telling you to walk a little faster because the popular girl in the back are laughing at you. But, why? "Lets thing of all the reasons shall we?" Anxiety urges.
- Your pad could be showing
- Your pad could be leaking
- Your shirt could not match your outfit
- Your shoes could be dirty
- You stepped on something
- Your hair is a little oily
- Your hair is too frizzy
- Your hair is too tangly
- You aren't walking right
- You look lonely
- You are breathing weird
- There's a stain on your pants or shirt.
Or the worst one of all..
Do they know I'm nervous?
Oh my pretty pretty not so friendly friend. You don't have anxiety. If you did you would be writing this. And you aren't are you?'
And in my mind you stand there speechless as everyone claps and I wipe a tear down my face. But, in real life however I roll my eyes from the frustration and I find my seat as my face slowly returns from bright red to paper white. Because just thinking about confronting you makes me anxious.'
-- Anonymous Redhead(me)