today i woke up wondering the reasons why my feelings for you remain. it changes constantly but remain.
i ask myself like a timeline: why i let you come into my life? why i allowed you to stay? why i was persuaded by your insistence?
i can answer me. even if i try to deny it, i can answer me – i fell in love with you the moment i heard your voice. i made a very common human mistake, to feel and idealize based on what you wanted to show me. so i bought your seemingly perfect image of prince charming with everything i've always dreamed of. and i fall, i broke, i'm still bruised.
but your part i can't answer. your words diverging with your atitudes doesn't make sense to me. why did you said it was reciprocal? why you were participating of my life like someone who was planning to stay? why did you said you wanted me in your life forever? why someone who claimed to be so hurt doesn't care about having some emotional responsibility? if i was so special to you why did shattered me?
and even after all, after so much time i can't change my feelings. you aren't indifferent to me. i still catch myself worrying about you. have you been feeling happy? in peace with yourself? are you getting enough sleep? did your rhinitis gave you a break?
i've tried everything. i've avoided you to the fullest, i tried to continue my life from the point where i stopped when i met you. it didn't work. and i sank, hurting and taking with me people who are important. maybe i should try to hate you.
hate you for having treated my feelings with such indifference, for struggling to find out what i needed and offering me only when i increased your ego and self esteem, for lying to me, for making me selfish, for having turned your back to me when i opened my doors, and my legs, for you. i should hate you for the simple fact that you are nothing of what you said and demonstrated to be.
even though i'm aware that you are not that special, your are not different, it's just like every other man who cares only about the number of girls following and giving you likes so you can fuck and hurt them, i can't hate you. but most of all, i should hate you for making me feel something so new, so intense and so different to the point i'm sure at present that there will be no future where i'll feel this again.
i really should hate you.
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