11/13/17 | 11/14/17
My Kink Is
Well not to get too freaky but my kink is being useful to people. Jk kind of? That’s just one of my love languages and there are five love languages and you should really learn what yours are because it’s very important in understanding how you show and receive affection and probably a big reason why there are often disconnects between people because everyone assumes people show love in the same way but that’s actually objectively incorrect. But anyway, let’s not get too heavy here we’re here to have fun! And destress! Give my mind a place to dump everything! !!! So I have been gone recently but I’ve also been very busy recently. Well, have I been busy? Actually yes I have been. Confirmed busy. Like one week I had a paper and a project due and then I had an exam and then another exam and now I’m here and I still have an exam this week it’s the cycle. Anyway, see I always think after really big social events with all of my friends I’ll have something really interesting to write about but honestly ever since readership on this small corner of the internet weirdly grew I’ve realized that the things that are most fun to write about are very singular experiences in the sense that like, I don’t know if I can write about Fatima’s banger on Friday night because we were all there, all living it, I was also pretty crossed so that may also be another reason why I don’t feel equipped to write about it but shared experiences are much harder to write about is a good description of what I’m feeling right now in terms of this blog. So that’s why I didn’t immediately write on Saturday when I got back to my apartment but I also threw a friendsgiving on Saturday night that went very very well. I ate and I got buzzed and there were lots of friends and here’s the part we’re all waiting for: Jack did in fact show up. And even better, before dinner started he asked who was going to be in attendance and whether he should trade his sweats for jeans lmao. He did in fact wear jeans for friendsgiving so if nothing else I should at least be glad he is invested enough in this friendship to put on jeans. So in case you all were wondering what kind of boy I have been writing about on and off for about a year now he would if he could wear sweats to every single function of his life in the winter time. We need higher standards. Anyway, I always find it really interesting what the volleyball kids fascinate over like maybe it’s because my general exposure to them is less than everyone else but like that Kool Aid man shirt? They were floored. My friendsgiving? The small forks me and Omar have which are essentially just dessert forks like there’s nothing else I have to say about them except that they are dessert forks but when Jack and Ken saw them in our silverware drawer they loved it. They were a huge hit. Dessert forks. That’s all they were? But Jack thought it was so funny how small they were every time he picked one up. He made a point to use the dessert fork for at least one of his many many plates and I know he loved those plates especially because of the dessert fork. Honestly, this isn’t even the first time I’ve seen the fascination over the dessert forks like last year’s friendsgiving/Tsering’s birthday celebration many of her friends also thought the tiny forks were really cute but because I had less emotional connection to them I noticed it less but here I am a year later still recalling the fact that again, there are people fascinated by dessert forks. I guess like the novelty of them? How odd to find a college apartment equipped with something so niche like dessert forks? But honestly the niche value of dessert forks goes beyond just dessert like there have been so many times when I’ve been hungry at 1:30 am and I just want a bite but I don’t want to commit to an entire bite and there’s the tiny fork in the silverware drawer and now I have the perfect solution to my growling stomach but also lack of commitment/fear that my mother will somehow know I’m awake and also eating past midnight from miles away. Anyway, when the dessert was used properly by Jack he ate somewhere between 40-75% of the pumpkin pie I baked so all dessert fork niches aside I’m still that bitch baking very good pie although arguably my pecan pie was the better pie but I’m not here to tell the people what pie is superior just because their palettes can’t distinguish the layers of flavor.
So in short, haha the joke is that the first paragraph is so fucking long haha where’d I find all those words to write, friendsgiving was a huge success and Jack and Amitav stayed and watched me play Super Mario Odyssey until 1 am and also I just want to say that I’m not just some freak who writes about his crush in 3000-word single spaced essays lmao I actually just want to say that as I get to know Jack more I crush less on him in the sense that like this crush is really just infatuation with the idea of a person and I understand that and it works very well for this blog because I can morph this idea of a person for whatever comedic value I need and now I have a hit blog who knew. Just to add that nuance to everyone’s conception of Jack lmao. I feel defensive right now. Let me not be defensive let’s just be vulnerable together and by we I mean me oversharing but also nuance is important so I’m just trying to add more nuance to all of our lives too. Oversharing but with nuance. Anyway, I don’t usually talk about school in all that much detail but let me tell you what a whirlwind the first five minutes of class were today. Well, whirlwind is a little dramatic but anyway I recently took a fluid mechanics exam that was very difficult but at the time I was honestly like I did very okay like subpar okay you know like me and my one of two civil friends Jimmy studied together and I thought we actually studied so I was chillin and I thought I was at the very least fake chillin during the exam but it turn outs in fact that I was not even fake chillin I was just sweaty and getting wrecked. So I got a 47 on the exam lmao which is rough but honestly I thought I’d be more stressed about it but here I am and the only thing I know about water is that if I don’t drink enough of it my skin will fight back and break out so therefore fluid mechanics is very important to me. Anyway, I sit in the second to front row in class for some reason and there were two people in the front talking about the exam distribution and the point recovery opportunity and one was like well I got a 74 so I’m hoping she’s giving 20 points back and the other was like yeah same I got a 71 and it was the biggest can’t relate moment of my life cause I’m out here like well if she’s not giving back at least 30 points my parents will never hear about this class from me ever again in fact I’m gonna erase it from my transcript and my parents will only have to know about how much I’m thriving in geotechnical engineering. But honestly there used to be so much shame attached to my grades if they were subpar but it’s called character development it’s called growing up and learning that I’d rather own a bakery than do anything else anyway and sometimes we get bodied you know everyone gets bodied sometimes you just have to roll with it. Like, this one girl in my water sustainability class who is also in fluid mechanics was talking to me before class started yesterday and she was like yeah I’ve been stressing about the fluids exam grade all day until she emailed that she would give us points back and I was like wow still can’t relate because I found out my grade a minute ago and I still wasn’t as stressed as you were in anticipation of the grades coming out. In summary, fluid mechanics as a class for me has been one huge can’t relate moment for me. Lms if you can relate.
Anyway, this semester I have been very conscious of which pens in my handy little pencil pouch has been my favorite to write with and which pen I have the best handwriting with. Back in high school when white boards still existed I used to thrive on writing on the white board because the chisel tips markers were so good to my handwriting like just historically my handwriting was really nice with a heavier weight because my handwriting is inherently small so anything that forced it to widen made it look really nice but anything with a really really fine tip lost a lot of details because the lettering is so small. My mom was actually always really critical of my handwriting when she saw it because she was like it would just be nicer if you made your letters bigger what’s the point of writing so small and tiny you’ll ruin your eyes faster because your writing is so small and high school me was too reluctant to admit that she was right in that my handwriting does look better ever so slightly scaled up. But also I think there’s an upper limit to what size your handwriting should be before you’re just trying to write your notes in size 36 font like who does that? It’s like you’re always on the verge of yelling or something when you write that big. Stop yelling. Anyway, back to my pens. In the beginning of the semester I definitely was under the impression that ballpoint pens, especially like a generic ass ballpoint pen from a Staples 20 pack, was where my current handwriting thrived the most but then I came into some very fine pens from Xing which are like 0.38 mm in terms of weight and they really became the biggest catalyst in my handwriting this semester. Like, with the ballpoint pen it’s really nice to essentially elide all your letters especially l’s and a’s and y’s like there are certain curves you can give these letters that make them very fluid and so I’m not always picking up my pen to write the next letter. Efficiency or whatever right? They force feed cursive down your throat in 3rd grade because by the time you turn 20 you realize handwriting is just about absorbing bits and pieces of that cursive into your script to expedite the process but there’s no way they can tell you that when you’re in 3rd grade they can only ask you to trace the letters in your writing book and hope you retain at least two letters of it for the next 13 years. So anyway, I really didn’t like my handwriting with these new really fine pens because they show really sharp edges in my letters when I try to elide them the way a forgiving ballpoint pen does like the extra weight of the ballpoint pen is forgiving. That’s just a full stop statement but these fine tip pens, these fuckin tiny little microscopic pen tips are so brutal to my “”normal”” handwriting until I heeded my mother’s advice from K-12 and just tried to make my letters a little bigger and a little more spaced out. Take some space. I’m always thinking about how to not take up space. How to minimize my impact on any given space. When I sit next to Amar I give him extra leg room to manspread which is very enabling of this unnecessary trait of masculinity but I’ve decided that he can take some of my leg room because he’ll probably sit more comfortably that way anyway and I don’t spread my legs out in general anyway but hopefully we all come to realize that you should try to be mindful of the kind of space you take up wherever you go and it is just a very considerate little trait we could all use. Anyway, back to handwriting though I decided I can be an extra ass bitch in my own notebooks and write bigger if I want to so with these really fine tip pens I writing ever so slightly differently as in when you look at each letter in my writing they’re all discrete and don’t elide with one another and honestly that’s the only thing I had to say about my handwriting. This new skill has further translated to helping me write nicer with felt tip pens as well because those look much better when I lift between letters and so overall, if nothing else came from this semester, I learned how to write with all different kinds of pens and we should be proud of me for that. Also, one time in 7th in band class my band teacher, who I was kind of in love with at the time lmao like honestly triple lmao, anyway one time he briefly mentioned the fact that handwriting is connected to personality and had I clairvoyance I would have realized my small as handwriting was probably just my mind telling me I was a sub bottom lmao. All those lessons you never forget from middle school really come back for you huh.
But anyway, today was my last fluids lab class. There has been a lot about fluids in this post today and I’m not sure how I feel about it but anyway let’s not question where I get my inspiration to write from let’s just accept it and listen to my thoughts. So anyway, today was the last class for lab and honestly my lab group dynamics over the course of the semester have been so odd. I’ve gone to lab like post-high a couple times and it just kinda expounds the oddness of my lab group? But anyway, I also somehow became like a point of delegation within the lab group? Which is interesting because I just failed the last fluids exam and I also don’t do anything except like try to fill out our excel spreadsheet lmao. Like I don’t do much for the lab group except fill out the data table for the experiment, try to fill out the corresponding excel spreadsheet, and then maybe correct their grammar on the lab report and throw in a graph. But that’s it. That’s all I’ve done for this confusing ass lab because that’s all the capacity I have for this work but there seems to be some consensus that I know what I’m doing which is like validating I guess but where the fuck did they get that idea? But also I am kind of fond of like two of the other people in my lab group because they are just so earnest???? There’s one boy named Liam and then a girl named Lizzy and honestly without them I don’t think we’d finish our lab reports ever and if anything they should be delegating and being asked to confirm correctness or not instead of me. But anyway, one time I went to lab and I had recently added Liam on facebook I think with no real second thought he just kind of appeared and I hit add friend and that was that on that, or so I thought because then I’m in lab, we’re all confused trying to fill in cells in the spreadsheet and Liam tells Lizzy, hey you know me and Todd are facebook friends now and I’m like ????? but also like damn so I’m that bitch everyone wants to be friends with huh no one in civil knows me or my life but you all wanna know more huh you want a little bit more of the elusive chanteuse huh!!!!!! So I let Liam gas me by bragging to Lizzy about how we were facebook friends now lmao okay this is honestly so funny in hindsight but then Lizzy came with the clapback and was like, I’m pretty sure Todd and I have been friends on facebook since last semester when he was my TA in diff eq and we’re also following each other on Instagram. And now, I’m not one to promote such childish skirmishes but I wasn’t gonna stop them from trying to one up each other on who was better friends with me because now it’s just all going straight to my ego. Do I have the highest civil engineering gpa? Absolutely not. Am I the most sought out bitch in the civil engineering department though? Absolutely. So then Liam is like what he’s on insta and I try to placate his fears like oh ya sorry I usually just wait for insta to tell me when my facebook friend has an insta, you know I didn’t want Liam to get hurt so I was like it’s just the algorithm that hurts us not you don’t worry. And then he made quick work of finding me on insta and following me lmao like minutes later he was like I’ll just find you on insta real quick and what else am I supposed to do other than sit there and bask in all this attention????? From what are essentially strangers too like I really don’t know these people, like ya I was Lizzy’s TA for a math class once but what else does she do? I don’t know apparently she’s from New Jersey. Liam? Also apparently from New Jersey and honestly for a while I thought he was related to some other white boy with the same last name because I had no other reason to distinguish them. But clearly I have a reputation around the class of 2019 civil engineers. My friendship is a fuckin commodity. The people want it but can they have it? Can they hang? Can they stand in the same frame as me? In Liam and Lizzy’s case, I’m gonna deem them as can hang since they spent a good 10 minutes of lab once just gassing me. And then today, we were talking about classes for next semester and Liam was like, I don’t think we’ll ever see Todd again, this is due to the fact that we’re on different tracks for our major but the technicalities don’t matter what matters is Liam’s emotional investment in our friendship and my ego boost every time he speaks now. Liam may very well just be in love with me. When I walk into our 9:30 late does his heart flutter? Did I accidentally make this boy fall in love with me? We’ll never know cause Liam doesn’t think he’ll ever see me again but if he just wishes hard enough, maybe, just maybe our paths will cross again. I wonder if he would pass out knowing I took 20 minutes out of my night to write this long ass paragraph about him. Liam, I sincerely hope you’re not reading this and if you are I promise I’m not a freak, but also you’re welcome. With love, your elusive chanteuse.
Anyway, this took me like a day and a half to write in all honesty because other shit just keeps getting in the way? How rude? But the semester will be over soon and honestly once finals come around I’ll probably have more time to write than during the semester I’m actually a big fan of finals season because there are no classes and I get to just wake up and cook and play volleyball and like yeah sometimes I get wrecked by an exam but in exchange for a week and a half of j chillin because I refuse to study? I love it. I thrive. But as always, stay tuned for the drama of it all.