Tired By Midnight Everyday Now
Is this what it feels like to be 20? Am I truly past my prime? Will I too, just as my father does now, go to bed by 9:30 pm every night by the time I am in my 50's? But anyway, I have been gone for a bit. This is something I have also noticed and am disappointed by. I guess it's only week four so I'm still deciding what kind of schedule will be normal for the semester. This may in fact take the entire semester lmao. My classes aren't bad though and if anything the worst ones are my actual civil engineering classes. I wonder if it'll ever get interesting and for my sake I hope it does cause it's too late to switch to a math and urban planning double major so............................. One class I'm in this semester is a Race, Gender, and Diversity in the Engineering Workplace and it's actually more social justice-y than I thought it would be. I don't have too much faith in the engineering department to be very socially aware but this class is pretty good. The professors at least are good but it's kind of intro in my opinion? I guess in the context of engineering it's in depth enough but like ya girl is here running through every discussion through a very leftist lens. I wish I was just a little more confrontational in class because I think it would make it a lot more interesting for me and also I'd be spreading a little criticism of the system to the rest of the class like let me politicize all of you. I am, however, confrontational in the weekly journals. I get 400-500 and I just sprint with them. It's like every Monday night I can ask myself how hyper critical I'm feeling that week and then just put that into a one page essay on how diversity within corporations is bad because capitalism. This is, in fact, what happened this week and I really was about to get into ideas of productivity and neoliberalism and exploitation but I had to hit the brakes with only 500 words max to work with!!! If they gave me more I'd just hit them with something extremely extra and I'm hoping I get to do that one day. Only the grad TAs read our journals I think so it's not like the professors are reading them but I kind of wish they were like grade my papers!!! Read me critique your lectures!!! I am yelling but are you listening??!!!! So all in all it's been interesting so far and I have class tomorrow so I'm sure there'll be something I hear tomorrow that I find reductive but will lack the skills and confidence to raise my hand and bring the discourse to class. Please cast any spells that will let me do that tomorrow I'll be very grateful thanks.
Since the time I last wrote I have just been hanging out with VB left and right. I confirmed the fact that he does own jeans. I ate lunch with him this past Friday, not just us two but we sat next to each other, and he was wearing jeans! Amazing. The reason was because he was out of sweatpants but the facts are what the facts are. They're like, slim-ish lmao they're nothing too great but they're not really really ugly and that's a win to me. For someone who doesn't like wearing jeans to own a pair of jeans that aren't completely ugly is like a win, even if it was probably his mom who bought them for him. Yesterday I went to Costco with him and Amar which was also really fun. So much energy, that boy. The only thing that rivals his energy levels is probably his love for Costco. He bought two more pairs of sweatpants at Costco so to think I couldn't be amazed more, there I was while I watched him throw them into the cart. It was basically like bringing both my children to the grocery store because I watched Amar get his two gallons of milk and VB get a very large bag of M&M's which was a non-negotiable item. VB debated apple sauce for a while, Amar on the other hand did not take long to decide on the apple sauce. So that was fun and I'll probably take him on my next Costco trip but I don't often need to go to Costco since my parents give me a lot of food lmao but all the more reason to capitalize on them. I've also been thinking about this crush in general and whether it is time to move on, at least on a surface level. On one hand, I am having fun for the most part so long as I don't think about the lack of actual feasibility but on the other hand, the lack of feasibility lmao. Obviously we don't get to just pick up our emotional attachment and return them to some safe until you're ready to send them back into the world but like the steps to doing that. Anyway, now that I've written this out I am thinking I'll ride this wave out until it fizzles out on its own. I've done the straight boy crush to very good friend before and I can do it again. For a second I thought I was gonna tell myself to stop writing about him as a first step to Moving On™ but the heart wants what the heart wants, am I right ladies? Don't stifle her just live with her. This wasn't meant to be sad just so we all are clear on tone I'm not using a sad tone. She's just feeling a little pensive tonight.
This morning was a little jarring and by a little I mean it was really fucking jarring. There I was, leaving a little later than usual to make my 500 mile trek to the architecture school, and as I walked out the door I saw it. Our trash can was knocked over, its contents spread across the ground, my face full of shock and defeat. The raccoons are fucking back and the only reason I can think of is this god damn 60 degree weather in February. Send the raccoons back to their slumber!!! The groundhound spoke and said we were getting six more weeks of winter so what the fuck is this?????? Our trash can literally survived the entire month of winter break and then some but suddenly it's warmer out and the raccoons get bold again? I'm tired of it. I'm just gonna start throwing my bags of trash outside into the forest for them. At least then I don't have to expect anything but the raccoons getting their fill of my avocado pits. I don't really have much else to say about this but as a core staple of this blog I feel as though I should always update on the raccoon situation. In short, it's bleak as ever. Who's the one casting spells cause I need one to win the war against the raccoons. Please comment below if you are willing to be an ally in the fight thanks.
I was gonna do a face mask tonight but I literally took so long to write this that I'm just gonna do the mask tomorrow. But the good news is that I wrote something! I'll get back into it and really hit stride soon. But I'm not making any promises. As always though, stay tuned for the drama of it all.