A Continuing Life Lesson In What It Means To Be Social And Interact With People
Feel like all my thoughts recently have been about interpersonal relationships recently which is fair. A lot of big ideas on my mind with regard to love and affection and intimacy it’s getting pretty sappy in the bullet journal diary pages but like one thing I realized was that like I’ll probably explode out of love if any of my friends have children???????????? Like holy fuck this little toddler is a tiny them??????????? What the fuck?????????? How long at a time can I borrow their child????????? I mean, for one thing, I know I’m terrible with newborn babies and basically children that have yet to start vocalizing or at least emoting things in some way like I need some kind of interaction with the children but I’ll still love them when they’re born I’ll just hang out with them more often when they can talk back to me, talk back in the literal sense not in the sense that we’re yelling at each other or something. But I think maybe I’d be down for a heated argument about something mundane with these children. Wow fuck I really hope my friends have kids and like I’ve started thinking like do I want kids?????? And for a while I think my answer was no but I’m particularly emotionally vulnerable right now so I think if you asked me I would say yes because like wow I’m gonna love that child so so much. I think at one point in Trevor Noah’s book he talks about children having to learn how to love unconditionally but mothers, and obviously this isn’t true about all mothers because there are some fucking terrible mothers out there, but good mothers bear their child and then know unconditional love but children don’t come out of the womb knowing how that feels. And I think he’s right if you just extrapolate that like people learn how to love and like it is in some ways a learned skill. Some people are naturally better at it than others yes but like loving really fully is learned I think and I feel like I’ve recently really come into that? How incredibly gay is this entire paragraph so far love hope and queers unite or whatever but like wow I really do think I’ve learnt at least partially what it means to love unconditionally and now I’m like well now I’m just trying to throw all of it at someone and then naturally you move on to the thought of children and you’re like well fuck if I had one I would die for this imaginary child I already love them now what do I do. But then I was like what if I am not apt to raise a teenager though but the problem with this thought process is that I’m imagining myself, right now, age 20 almost age 21, raising a teenager and that obviously wouldn’t be the case I’d be like at least mid-30s or something at least when my imaginary child becomes a teenager so I think I can rest that anxious thought. But like what if I just want a toddler????? I think, factually speaking, being a toddler is the best stage of life. Just being objective, toddlers are the most fun. I guess I’ve never raised one so maybe they’re really difficult actually no I can completely imagine how they can be difficult but like all the fun you get on top of that? Boundless. Ariana’s children????? I fucking love those kids I miss them I haven’t seen Aiden or Wania in so long. They have so much energy I can just watch them bounce off the walls for hours. And the conversations we have are riveting. I gotta see them again soon, I have to. Anyway, I’d be a fun dad I think. But I’d also be super leftist with my child raising like someone would probably be like wow your son is such a lady killer and I wouldn’t take that shit I’d be like no Susan you will not be subjecting my child to your heteronormative ideas of love and intimacy they will grow up understanding more than the tiny, secluded world we were fed at age five thanks. I already talked about how I’d immediately know their birth chart as well too if I had a kid like there’s no way I wouldn’t have that pdf saved on my phone for quick reads every now and then. Amitav is excited for the prospect of me having children and like maybe I am too? I think I’m just going through something right now lmao but also can you imagine Amitav and Amar as uncles? If my child and them started hanging out I think if I hadn’t already fucking burst from meeting their children I’d die right there on sight. Like oh cool this is my beautiful ray of sunshine meeting my other beautiful ray of sunshine and then I’d die. Basically I think I’ve become soft as shit and think that children are beautiful and that maybe I want one but even if I don’t have one if my friends have one I’ll still be reeling over that and also like Kylie came into work today with his child and his child was so talkative but not words cause they were pretty young still but just making noises at everything I loved it I ate it up I think their name is Bridge maybe I heard that wrong but I wouldn’t put it past Kylie to name his child Bridge. Kylie, of course, only came into work to make several attempts at printing a single document and now he’s gone. I love his dedication to only staying at work for 30 minutes or less. Also like all this talk of my own child and I haven’t even conceptualized what it would be like seeing my man, my many men? My possibly multiple lovers playing with my child what the fuck is that gonna be like?????? There are many things I can’t imagine tugging at my brain right now and I am trying to grasp like slivers of them just for a moment like wow shit maybe that’s what that’ll be like. Idk crazy week though am I right, ladies?
In other very exhilarating news actually, I met my downstairs neighbor last night!!!!!!! What I thought was a regular Tuesday night of me succumbing to the devil’s lettuce turned out to be a really fucking cool mini hang out with one of the people living underneath me right now. I was just sitting on my retaining wall, I was done smoking for the night although I will admit my tolerance has gone up a little bit unfortunately so I was like really trying to milk this bowl for all it had in it lmao but I was done, I had done my fiending in private and was just chilling outside enjoying the wonderful weather it was actually so fucking nice out last night I was in love with the weather this is why summer sucks and fall is better because the weather is comfortable and even as simple as it is it puts you in a really good mood like all we’re talking about here is a nice little breeze and the movement of molecules at a moderate pace so as to not induce sweat and suffering from my body. Like that, just that, is enough to put you in a good mood. So I was thoroughly enjoying the weather and the cotton candy sky when this girl walks up the side steps and she’s like omg hey and I’m like wow hey and then she introduces herself and like, admittedly, I fucked up and don’t remember her name and I even asked for it a second time because I didn’t exactly hear it well the first time but I was also kinda high so I feel like I am more worthy of forgiveness in this case. But we just started talking and it was so cool she didn’t know I was high until like halfway into that conversation when she walked over to read our welcome mat. But we just started talking and she was super cool, I legit texted Amar about this like an hour ago but she like rolls up in this cool flowy beach cover up dress thing it’s just a pretty cool look and she’s got a septum piercing so she was double cool and apparently she was procrastinating writing like 60 minute yoga lessons because she’s trying to become a yoga teacher or maybe certified to be one I don’t know but anyway the coolest part about her is that she thinks I listen to good music because I’m always bumping shit on Omar’s really nice speakers and the subwoofer is kind of insane and downstairs just has to roll with the punches but to my validation I have learned that the punches are not actually punches they are just super cool beats coming through the walls nice nice nice. And the other best part is that she was like when I get high I just like eating ice cream sandwiches and watching parks and rec and like fuck I don’t just own the entire box set of parks and rec for any reason so I invited her to come smoke sometime and she was like yeah def I’ll just come up and knock on your door sometime. Like I can’t believe you’ve been down there all summer and you’re so cool and we only just meet like there’s probably only like two and a half weeks left of me here for the summer with all this free time at least, and like we’re only just now starting to hang out?????? I feel cheated a little. But then like we also took tours of each other’s apartment because I was like yeah I’m very curious with how you guys use the space and it’s crazy their vision for the open living room kitchen concept was much different. I mean, mostly the living room was different but I really like what they did with it and the fact that they had two couches in their living room was so cool too because like ever since I signed that first lease I wanted to own a couch and they own two couches and they put both of them in the apartment downstairs like I don’t think we would ever be able to last year? Like just in the way we used the living room space like it was feasible but they did that? They really did that. Also as a complete side note but there’s a real spike in question mark usage in this post like does it have anything to do with the mountain of uncertainty coming into my life recently maybe but also I feel like it’s kind of exciting uncertainty but that’s besides the point. This girl was really cool but she’s actually not my neighbor she’s gonna be an RA for a dorm that’s close by so if we become good friends I think we’ll probably hang out this year too and she’s the same year as me so it’s really chill. I didn’t meet her roommate who’s actually living down there but I hope they’re as cool as her? Like she’s got plants in her room and they compost and she has peppers out in the backyard just a bunch of cool shit going. Her roommate decorated my old room really nicely too like fuck I wish I had as much as she did with the room because I really like it but the fear of committing art onto a wall with nail or command strip is crippling. I dunno she was just cool and it’s great that I’m still meeting new people and I feel like I’m almost too ecstatic about meeting her and maybe that’s partly due to my new deep vulnerability but like also that’s not a bad thing I don’t mind being vulnerable or too excited so this is okay. She also saw The New Jim Crow sitting on my coffee table and said what a good book it was when they read it in her sociology class so she also has some social awareness which is very good. All around incredible time taking a tour of our apartments, I was definitely a little weird cause I was high like some of my comments were just dumb as shit like what was it? Oh fuck I saw their shoe rack by the door and I was like wow totally reimagining the shoe space here that’s crazy we used to just line our shoes along the perimeter of the washer and dryer but like wow a fucking shoe rack that’s revolutionary and then I even went further and told her about how like it was kind of nice when I had a lot of people over to just see the pile of shoes by the door like that used to always feel nice and it still feels nice when it happens at the new apartment. But yeah just dumb shit like that, sometimes I overshared I mean again with the vulnerability plus being high thing lmao but she was really receptive to the conversation which was cool. Idk basically I hope we hang out again this week because like I don’t know what day I’m going back home yet for the weekend but like I wanna at least hang out once before I go back and also get her name set in stone. But anyway, I’m sure there was more from the interaction that would be good for the blog but this shit got really long. I think I’ll save the squirrel story at least for a future day. If anyone knows who I met last night and her name so that I can put that mystery to rest comment below thanks.
Anyway, it’s currently summertime which is always an exciting time for me personally because this means I get my yearly eye check up with a new prescription and I’m ready to move on to the next era of glasses. I started this yearly trend of getting new glasses when my parents got eye care insurance with as part of their benefits which is such a blessing to an extra ass bitch like me who wants new glasses every year. Also, everyone should get health care and eye care and whatever fucking care they need fuck you fuck you fuck you if you voted to proceed with that terrible fucking health care bill and fuck you mccain you can choke. Okay so anyway, with that all tied up, I have been questioning whether this summer I would get a new pair of glasses. The past two summers I’ve gotten new glasses it’s been because once I got my glasses I’d walk around and see some inspiration for a new set of frames and then be really excited to get glasses for the upcoming year but this year I’ve been really at peace with my glasses. I am very happy with how circular and round they are, the wire frame, the way they fit my face, like I’m just a big fan. I love these glasses. I think I’ve gotten less compliments on them than my last frames though but looking back at pictures with my last frames I think they just don’t suit my face as much. Factually speaking they are cute. Those were good frames too, they were more rectangular than these but they were still pretty round and they were plastic frames instead of wire and the plastic had two tones which made them really stand out I dunno those were good glasses too but then I got these glasses and I was just……………… in love with them they look so good I look so good. The day I got these frames I made a point to go out to a party so that everyone could see me stunt in them. That party was kinda whack like it was just a bunch of people from my high school who I hadn’t seen in a while kinda like just random people and there was only beer from a keg and like a drop of aristocrat left and my friend had maybe like two bottles of wine or something idk but while at the party I wasn’t that drunk but the minute I got into the uber I was almost black out I was like what in the fuck is going on in here on this day and then I got home and fell asleep throwing up in my bathroom I also threw up a little in the trash can in my room basically I was a mess and hungover as fuck the next day and had physics homework to do and my parents noticed how little I ate because I was so fucking nauseous and my head hurt but I looked really good doing all of that the night before. Anyway, I’ve decided I think I found a new pair of glasses that I want for the year but I’m also kind of sad because I will miss these glasses a lot but I also am kind of hoarding all my frames so that when I’m kicked off my parents eye care insurance I can just start cycling through the frames if I’m feeling particularly frugal and just change the lenses to a new prescription instead of having to buy all new frames and everything so I think I will eventually return to these glasses in the future. I actually remember the reason why I changed from those really square frames that were like “”””hipster”””” in high school to circular frames. I went to watch The Wind Rises with Umar when it finally came out in the United States in theaters and like one, I fucking love that movie what a great movie and two, the main character Jiro has these circular frames and I was like me so then I went out and ordered a new pair of frames during the blizzard that year and then when I got them I got a haircut and posted a selfie on my insta and I actually went back through my insta to find this moment and it is indeed a #moment. It is a signaling of my evolution in glasses frame choice. Since 9th grade I had been beating the dead horse on the big boxy frames but were they suited for my face? No. The answer is no. If I look back on those days, at those pictures, I just think, someone should’ve stopped you on the street to help you. Just asked you to think a little bit harder about the choices you’re making with regard to your look. But in the end it was me who helped myself with a little bit of inspiration from our beloved Hayao Miyazaki in his finale movie although I’m not sure if he’s actually retired since then or not I think he has also the documentary about him finishing The Wind Rises is a really good watch. But anyway, The Wind Rises was the catalyst for me in my aesthetic in which greater overarching era we are in and that’s the circular frame era. Every iteration gets closer and closer to just two straight up circles sitting on my face so watch out world. Cause when my eyes hit -5.0 in both eyes I’m coming for you with some cute ass frames and hopefully a pair of overalls by then. I’ve been looking for a pair of fucking overalls since like…………….. I dunno probably summer before senior year. What the fuck is up with that? Comment below if you know what the fuck is up with that thanks.
Anyway, another day another blog post taking up multiple hours of work to write. There was a baby shower in the conference room today for the angriest man in the office I’m not sure if I’ve told any stories about him yet but I wonder if he uses the same tone of voice with his children as he does here I really hope not. But anyway, there was a baby shower and I didn’t go to it idk I just felt a little awkward and like I don’t really know him anyway like I’m just an intern I don’t have a real connection with him but then this one guy came around with cake from the baby shower, and this guy is really nice I’ll name him Bary, very very close to his real name, anyway Bary is very nice I actually like Bary a lot one time he saw me using a paper towel from this roll of paper towels on my desk as a tissue and then he came by with a tissue box for me and I was like…………………. hey so are you doing anything tonight or? He has a family though and one time he had to babysit his kids for a little bit at work while his wife was at a meeting and they were so cute too. Bary isn’t cute really, but I feel like I am attracted to him simply based on how nice he is. Like wow I love you Bary thank you for welcoming into this office. Also he has like this nerdy but kind of apathetic sounding voice that’s kinda nice I mean actually it’s not nice but Bary is, Bary is nice so that makes everything he does nice. Anyway, he came around the cubicle space with two pieces of cake and was like hey there’s cake in the conference room but if anyone here wants a piece I have some and like I kinda wanted cake even though I knew it wouldn’t be that great of cake anyway like inherently it’s just some store bought cake in which they probably just used yellow cake mix and some generic icing but like sometimes we as people fucking indulge okay so I was like yeah sure I’ll have some but in a very timid voice because I really hate that other people can hear me talk in their cubicles it feels weird and then he was like no pressure and I was oh Bary I know you’d never pressure me into doing anything so I got a piece of cake. This piece of cake was in fact the most guilt inducing dessert I’ve ever had and not because of sugar content or anything I’m not even discussing the health benefits or negatives of this cake right now I’m talking about straight guilt for not having even attempting to set foot in the baby shower space and yet here I was reaping the benefits because Bary was nice enough to go around the office and share. Like I should’ve been like yes I’ll have some but I can go grab it myself thank you and then went to the conference room, timidly said congratulations to Crain, again very close to his real name, and got a piece of cake and left. But instead, I’m here at the comfort of my desk with nothing to show except an empty plate and a blog post that was supposed to end after the first few sentences of this paragraph. Anyway, thanks Bary for bringing me cake you’re the best I’ll never forget your kindness even on my deathbed I will remember.
Okay ladies I’m gonna stop writing for real now because this maybe got a little excessive. I’m okay with that though. Some cool stuff happening recently, lots of thinking still happening as well of course. We’re all just grappling with life aren’t we???? As always, stay tuned for the drama of it all.