10/23/17 | 10/24/17 | 10/25/17
That Joke Every Middle Aged Professor Makes About Being In School A Century Ago
(this post was written across like three calendar days lmao so I'm just trying to be transparent about the makings of it and only putting one date down would be a lie and I'm not here to be a snake)
Linear time only allows for so much humor to happen within it, this joke being a staple of linear time humor that is so pervasive that every time someone feels old and is also talking to a room of people at least five years younger than them they’ll use some form of this joke. The lesson here is, as always, that time is fake. But anyway, I only write that because I’m trying to write this in class while Brian teaches us about how cities and their water supplies developed and then collapsed because of overuse and terrible planning and honestly capitalism like I know Brian isn’t here to be anti-capitalist but let me just say that we don’t have enough water because we operate under frameworks in which we never have enough money and will always use more to make more money even at the cost of the environment and people’s livelihoods like basically capitalism and the environment don’t coexist very well and that’s cold tea because we’ve been screaming it for a while at the rich and corporate entities but they never listen so we should eat the rich. Haha okay let’s lighten up a little. Maybe this is why I shouldn’t write a blog post during class. Anyway, last night I smoked with Amar and then was planning on doing a review of my mango orange wellness water, I’m sure many of you were patiently waiting on the end of that review which never happened because we got lost talking about open and closed faced peanut butter sandwiches and honestly I just rewatched the snaps and honestly the best line from last night is when I tell Amar a closed faced peanut butter sandwich will kill you. Full stop, a closed faced solely peanut butter sandwich would definitely kill you. You’d choke and die. Add on top of that dry mouth??????? Like to contextualize where me and Amar were further, high and trying to survive the dry mouth, a full on peanut butter sandwich would kill us. I don’t think I had the strength to perform the Heimlich maneuver on Amar had he started choking. But also while I was trying to do my review last night I found out that snapchat finally updated the android app lmao and now I can record videos that are longer than 10 seconds but I kind of want them………………… to keep it. I like only having 10 seconds to make a point and then it cutting off abruptly. It’s comedy. Like, listen, everything I do online is just for comedy. None of this matters so it might as well be funny. So when I’m recording a snap but I don’t finish my thought in time and then the next snap I just move on to my next point like that’s funny. What the fuck am I talking about? No one knows because I never finished my sentence. How’d I get to the next part of the story? No one fucking knows. Everyone is confused. Comedy. Also, I just wanna say really quickly that I like that android snapchat is shit quality. I love my security camera footage because it just makes it funnier. I don’t want good quality snapchat videos I just want blurry video and laggy audio that cuts off after 10 seconds and forces me to do better with that trash I’ve been given. It’s honestly not even my fault either snapchat is the app that won’t program itself to do anything other than take screenshots of your camera as opposed to actually using the camera functionality of your phone itself but we’re not here to get technical about snapchat. So the point is that even though I’ve been gifted infinitely long snapchat videos, I will continue to only record 10 second videos and if I can forcefully make them shit quality then I’m definitely gonna do that too. You heard it here first.
Anyway, recently my dad forwarded me an email about the career fair to both my school and personal emails lmao which is like……………………….. thank you for caring but also keep it because I hate the professional world and everything that entails getting a job. So there’s a huge disparity in the apartment seeing as Omar is chugging through interviews with Microsoft and Google and I’m like ????????? I think I’ll try to work in Boston?????? If someone decides to employ me for the summer??????? But anyway, I was just browsing through jobs on LinkedIn on Saturday which for me was supposed to be a bust because LinkedIn to me is just a site where you hit connect with random people you talked to once at a party and you lose nothing because there is nothing important about me on LinkedIn. So there I am scrolling through civil engineering jobs in Boston and all I’m getting are these full time job offers like a senior engineer or a GIS specialist like it’s clearly not gonna be fruitful but this way I could at least pretend I was trying to find a job u kno? Like how self-congratulatory of myself lmao but then I stumbled upon one (1) internship position at an energy company in Providence and guess who the fuck has a LinkedIn connection to that company? Me, it’s me and who is my mysterious connection to energy generation New England???????? None other than my dear old physics teacher from 10th grade, Tom/Thomas/Tomithy, who just as a fun fact Ariana is in love with. I don’t know if I also had that much of a crush on him? I liked him, genuinely, like that’s the reason I felt compelled to add him on facebook and also hit connect on linkedin. Tom is kinda attractive? Well, he’s like 6’5” or something ridiculous like that so baseline a 6 just based on height but I think if he had invested in some slim pants instead of straight leg he’d be at a 7. So that’s my breakdown of how Thomas could win some more points on the arbitrary scale of attractiveness from 1-10. Anyway, I’m networking!!!!! Of course mediated by Omar in which I make sure he reads each fb messenger message I draft to Tomithy before I hit send and let the read receipts do their job of ruining lives and keeping us hyperaware of each other’s activity across the internet. He’s been really nice at helping me though not that he’s doing much besides just asking his civil engineering friends what kind of work they do at the company but I’m really hoping I can convert this into a job like lmao listen Tom I stilled called you Mr. [REDACTED] because I felt awkward calling you Tom in that first message but anyway the point is Thomas that I need a job and you work in an area that I’m interested in and also you’re a senior engineer at this company that might hire me there’s a lot of cards in place to make this job process not terribly agonizing and then I can wave my newfound job in my parents’ faces so that I remain the golden child and so that my dad will never again email both my accounts reminders about any upcoming career events seeing as I clearly have my destiny grasped tightly and am steering it in the “”””right””””” direction. So no pressure Tomithy but if you could just add me to the payroll that’d be cool too.
Anyway, it’s currently Tuesday night actually Wednesday morning but again linear time being a huge farce so the days don’t even matter but I am still just very happy with my Sunday. Actually, you know what I did today I went and watched Jack’s team play their finals game for sand IMs and seeing as I was such a good team mom I was also slated to get a shirt when they won but they ended up losing which sucked because we’ve played with the people they played against before and like there’s no doubt in my mind that honestly Jack and friends were the better players bar one club player on the team so now I’m out of yet another IM champion shirt but also the IM champ shirt this year is orange and orange is a terrible color I know orange is a necessary color for our logo because of color theory and while I fully acknowledge the importance of color theory like don’t………………………. make orange shirts unless you’re gonna do a nice faded orange like you know to soften the orange or else it will be ugly! Like as an IM champ shirt I want to very easily weave that into my workout/volleyball wardrobe but an orange shirt will be a last resort workout shirt at best because no one decided to think how a glaring orange shirt would pair in a wardrobe!!!! The lack of attention to detail from IM rec sports is too much. But anyway, the good thing about this finals match is that at the very least I got a lot of validation out of it. For context, I was there watching Jack’s team play their semis game Sunday night and that was a lot of fun, extra fun because they beat a team that we don’t like lmao and also at one point Jack hugged me but Jack’s just touchy as a person but even without that context of who Jack is as a person like let’s not lie to ourselves and pretend that didn’t feel nice lmao. Notice the very intentional use of ourselves there because by making we statements and not I statements I make you all complicit in my stupid straight boy crush too haha so we’re all just out here suffering together but actually not suffering because at least this one is fun and like genuinely me and Jack are friends despite what it sounds like when I write this shit lmao. So anyway, that was a really nice moment from Sunday and then also after the game I told Emmelyn that I’d be there to watch finals too and her reaction was Sunday’s validation because she was just excited that I said I’d be coming by to watch them again which like feels good like I don’t know if I’m just becoming way too cognizant of things that validate me but like that felt good like that gut reaction she had to me saying I’d be there to watch them play finals felt good like all the time I spend with them is translating into a real friendship and shit you know????? Like we’ve always been like volleyball friends but like breaching certain other levels of friendship feels good too like basically I’m just becoming better friends with them and that’s cool soon me and Jack will tell everyone we’ve been dating haha just another level of friendship we have to hurdle through. So that was Sunday’s validation which is like the cherry on top of Jack coming up to hug me Sunday too you know let’s keep all of this in perspective now. Lmao but also I got even more validation from Jack today because I found out we have class right next to each other Tuesday’s at 3:30 not in a creepy way though I just happened to be early to class once which is how I saw him walking into his class like legit it was just me reaping the rewards of being punctual but never actually learning that lesson that sometimes being punctual is a good thing but anyway so today I went to sit next to him before class started just to chat for a bit and then when I left he asked if I was coming to the game tonight and when I said yes he was very happy and did this really ugly dance he does that he says is him mimicking Ken but anyway I purged that specific visual out of my mind and only saved the part where he was excited that I would be there tonight for the game and that’s Tuesday’s validation. What a ride!!! So basically I’m having a good time at school and making lots of friends and my friends are validating me back which feels really good because I find myself doing a lot of generally just nice friend things for all of my friend groups now so maybe the reason I’m hyperaware of everything that validates me is because I’m trying to gauge whether I’m spending my energy correctly or like it’s nice to feel like the work I’m doing is being received and heard and felt and appreciated and in some way that comes back to me that’s in the end all it is lmao like yeah I’m putting in effort to be friends with these people and they are genuinely happy to hang out with me like what a :-)))))))))))))))))))))))))) feeling.
Okay well I guess that got fucking sappy cause it’s almost 2AM but also like these are just consistent thoughts I have anyway, Amar can vouch, but I’m literally always unpacking all of my social interaction with anyone so this word vomit is cold tea but sometimes cold tea is still good tea and it’s sappy and makes you feel good. Wear your heart on your sleeves ladies it’s the right way to go because everyone never wants to be vulnerable but then wonders why they’re so lonely like do the math do the addition!!!! But again it’s almost 2AM so as always, stay tuned for the drama of it all.