I’ve Gotten My First Pimple of the Year and I Hate It
It’s on my chin and it’s like on its way out but that doesn’t mean I don’t resent it every time I look in the mirror and my facial hair and my refusal to carefully shave around it as opposed to wait until it dies and leaves me in peace but whatever. Anyway, positive vibes!!!! 2018!!!! An exciting moment within a linear time framework!!!! Last year I was writing much more during this time period but I have recently been blessed to have gotten a Switch and then I got myself Breath of the Wild so basically I don’t really want to do much other than play the game and every moment I’m out of the house not playing the game I am anticipating the moment I get to go home and resume playing the game. Truly life consuming. I’ve conceptualized a tweet that’s far too risqué and honestly too niche nerdy for my main twitter as follows: “this winter break i’ve been: celibate because i’m too busy playing breath of the wild” but again, will never be tweeted and will never even be saved in my drafts only a concept in my head and now a part of oral history on this blog. It’s the behind the scenes look we all wanted. But the tweet is true bar the one time I had sex on January 1st like haha happy new year nut #1 down but that was during the day which really isn’t my usual allotted breath of the wild playing time whereas the hours of 10pm-2am are prime breath of the wild hours. Formerly on break these would be prime hook up hours but I’m really fuckin busy trying to beat all the divine beasts and find every single shrine so there’s no time to go cruising on grindr I’m busy!!!!! Sometimes I would take my switch around when my parents wanted to go somewhere like to dinner because fuck why not squeeze in 15 minutes of playtime on a drive over to dinner and then my mom one day was like you know, they say it’s a disease to be addicted to video games and I don’t think she understand the gravity of calamity ganon and hyrule’s impending doom nor the stigmas surrounding addiction as a health issue but as a passing comment meant to dig at my inseparability from my switch it’s hard to unpack both points and do them justice. That’s basically my winter break. Pretty simple.
Anyway, returning back home and living there for intermittent periods of times always gives a good slice of what life is like while I’m at school. It really is slice of life anime but this time the setting is your childhood home. Katherine is now teaching full time and apparently cooks pasta way more often also apparently has a stomach the size of an egg in which she can sustain a full day of school and then the planning afterwards on that small tupperware container it’s like the smallest size before they become sauce containers essentially. It’s small. I wish I could estimate the volume of the top of my head. One day when my glasses have all the technological upgrades of the future where it gives me measurements and sorts out my surroundings based on RGB values I’ll finally be able to paint the fully nuanced and overly detailed stories I aim to write but for now I can’t estimate the volume of her lunch but holy shit it’s so small. My stomach hurt of hunger pains when I saw her pack her lunch and this was after dinner. I mean, apparently everyone in my family has a small stomach because they take like a week to eat three cups of rice. Three cups in a week. My jaw is still on the floor because I make two cups of rice every day at school unless I go out to eat or some nuisance has interrupted my usual eating pattern. So comparatively I eat like 14 cups of rice a week while everyone at home, and there’s four of them, eat only ¾ of a cup of rice a week. This is that one average spiders eaten annually joke with Joe the outlier who shouldn’t have been counted except now I’m Joe and it’s fucking real. And then, the other weird dietary change that’s happened is that they buy the two packs of 18-carton eggs from Costco because apparently they just eat eggs so damn fast. Katherine says it’s just Tiffanie and her now fiancé Tommy who I guess just eat like six eggs every day or something? Tommy kind of lives with us. Like sleeps over on weekdays more than I expected. But yeah I guess they’re just a couple that goes to the gym and then comes home and eats eggs and that’s their entire diet. Sometimes I see them come home with like a bag of salad so I mean at least they’re getting their fiber. My dad sometimes just skips dinner. He’s like, oh you know sometimes I only need lunch now and I’m just still like what the fuck as I get seconds. Such odd dietary shifts once I left for college. As if raising one last child in the household to young adulthood was the final threshold before they could be like fuck it I want to cook plain steel cut oats in place of rice to eat with my fried tofu for lunch and then I wanna come home and go to bed at 8:30 with nothing but two cups of jasmine tea in between and if you’re my dad then maybe a glass of wine or two but not much else. The prodigal son returning home for break luckily shakes things up a little bit. I like to think of it as yet another added bonus they get besides getting to hang out with their golden child. Keeping their diets on track, what can I say besides the natural security that comes with a Capricorn. Happy Capricorn season ladies.
Anyway, I also kind of want to touch on my sister’s boyfriend well I guess he’s a fiancé now but semantics are not the problem here the problem is that sometimes when I come home late high as shit and he’s sleeping over I feel awkward going to my kitchen because my sister lives in the room downstairs by the kitchen which means he also occupies that area and now instead of me freely traversing my house it’s like fuck the strange white man is guarding the kitchen and like high me????? Too nervous to enter and that’s even given the fact that I have already conceptualized the kitchen as a neutral zone of possible danger given that intoxicated me is out in the open and my parents could for some reason come downstairs to me blazed out of my mind eating whatever freshly cut fruit is in the fridge probably staring at a picture of Oscar Isaac. This neutral zone of danger, of course, in comparison to the only safe zone in my house when I come home fucked up: my bathroom previously discussed in detail so I won’t rehash all the nuances of that but like, the kitchen now with more barriers to access in the form of some white man in my house. Can you believe it? Sometimes he falls asleep on the couch while watching a movie and I don’t even know where my sister is!!!! How comfortable is he here!!!! Why is he more comfortable than me in that moment??????? I just want to know. So I’m like holding my fucking breath tip toeing around trying to just get to the kitchen, and honestly this has happened sober too the high shit could potentially just be attributed to me being high but sober me also nervous????? That’s the opposite of a mood. Like I can’t microwave anything I can’t boil water in the kettle cause that thing screams once the water is done and now the host in me is like don’t disturb the energy here right now but I also just wanted to reup on some turmeric tea is that so much to ask? If it was just my sister downstairs I’d be chilling like beep beep oh sorry did that wake you up you should close your door or like invest in earbuds or something lmao but now it’s like if anyone and by anyone I mean the white man twitches because I made a sound down here I’m gonna pour this boiling water on myself to avert my psychological discomfort to physical pain. Honestly, it’s time I start reclaiming my space. You know what, tonight at 1am I am going to go downstairs and just fuckin fix up a meal. I don’t know what meal but I’m gonna close the fridge door but instead of guiding it back into its sealed position I’m just gonna push it and it’s gonna thud and then I’m gonna boil some water and I’m gonna let it boil until the kettle starts screeching I mean not for too long obviously I’m not trying to be annoying I’m just trying to, again, reclaim my space. This colonization ends today.
In my final analysis of: home life but three years after going to college, my favorite part has been finding out my parents fucking love family feud. It has to be their favorite show. They watch it every week night. If I’m out and coming home slightly after dinner time and dinner time for them is early as shit because that’s even if they eat dinner, then family feud is definitely on tv. I can’t play breath of the wild on the tv while family feud is on and that’s not something I’ve ever tried to contest. Why fight a battle you’re destined to lose? They just think it’s so fucking funny though like Steve Harvey to them is the world’s funniest tv show host. I’ve heard my dad say, I’m tired of watching the news turn it to family feud. Primetime television as a form of escapism is alive and well in my household. I mean, yes do I sit there and critique the heteronormativity rampant in the questions Steve asks his guests but I also watch my parents just eat up his antics I don’t even know what Steve does. Sometimes he asks a question that’s just a honeypot for dick or something else sexual to be the answer to and then when he gets that answer he just stares into the camera with that deadpan tired look and then it’s on the board and the camera pans back to him still in that same frozen spot and it’s like Steve your dedication to your character is incredible because I know you know all these questions are honey pots waiting for someone to just say penis in some gross way like meat sword. Also, what’s the meta for family feud? Fuck if I know. Points based on answers based on a survey of small 100 person sample size but I’m not sure if all the point values for each answer are directly based on the proportion to which it was the most popular answer and further I’ve never paid enough attention to add up the point values of each answer to a question to see if it adds up to 100 and there’s also stealing of points if one family gets it wrong and I guess there are also triple point rounds like what’s the meta it’s all jumbled in my head right now. Anyway, sometimes I’m in my room and they’re still downstairs watching it and then I just hear them laugh and like I’m glad they’re having fun at least. Sometimes my dad yells answers at the screen but he has to be pretty fixated on an answer for this to happen. Honestly cannot recall the specifics of an instance of this but he’s been right before. At this point, I think it’s more likely for him to be right he’s got the family feud mindset. The only other thing I know about family feud is that one girl who went to my high school was on the show but she was annoying so I was since then not a fan of the show. I am still not a fan but the joy it brings to my parents? Almost as good as AFV used to just a little more heteronormative.
But that’s all I have for tonight. I was maybe gonna do some resolutions and shit but I have like zero goals thought out of because I can’t waste my brain cells on shit like that when I haven’t beaten breath of the wild yet so those can wait. The only change I need to make is making sure ganon is slain and sent back to the hell he came from!!!!!! Hopefully next time I’ll have thought of something else i.e. somehow escaped only thinking about zelda for 23 hours a day. As always though, stay tuned for the drama of it all.