The Freedom Of Having The Entire Desk Space To Myself Today
He left early to drive back home today so I am living for all of this space. I can plug anything I want to into the surge protector which is usually guarded by his entire body. I have to request to plug in my laptop charger like the equity at the desk is not there. He has the desktop computer, the work phone, the benefit of being farther in the desk so that when people walk by they can’t see his computer screen now with an added human shield i.e. me like I’m out here doing all this labor so that he can relax in the depths of our cubicle?????? Granted, I don’t want the work phone because I would hate to pick it up like every time it rings and he’s not here I don’t even pretend to consider picking it up or not, I just leave it. Keep ringing. Ring all you want but you bet your sweet ass that I’m gonna stay right here, all four feet away and stay looking at minimalist magazine spreads. Also, his desktop is as slow as my work laptop so I wouldn’t touch that shit either but like the luxury of it all. I’m sure his desktop is at least like one year younger than my laptop so it’s got what, a half mb of ram on my work laptop? Luxury. But anyway, desk freedom is nice. But anyway besides desk freedom, I had a very interesting interaction with the safe routes to school coordinator yesterday. Me and the other intern actually sit in his office cubicle space like usually he sits here but we kicked him out for the summer I guess? Or he was on vacation? I don’t know what happened to him but I’m also pretty sure he only comes to the office for 30 minutes at a time. I’ve seen him walk in, shorts, tank top, those nike skate shoes I’m pretty sure, couple tattoos on his arms, strolls in not giving a shit you know like the whole deal just says fuck you to professionalism and then he leaves like 30 minutes later. It’s crazy. I kind of idolize him but maybe he’s part time but I think he’s the full time coordinator so I don’t know how you can be both full time and leave after 30 minutes every day I dunno I’m not here to interrogate his life though. So I’m the bike/ped safety intern so safe routes to school is my shit too like I’m out here, making these beautiful monthly newsletters for the program, I’m researching other states and their programs like this is perhaps one of the only substantial parts of my job. So me and Kylie, I’m gonna call him Kylie because it’s very close to his real name similar to how I renamed Zatch you know, you just add a letter and call it a day. Anyway, Kylie and I are basically the same person I just probably get paid less. So he was supposed to come talk to me on Monday seeing as we were introduced to one another last Friday and he started racking his brain for his availability to come and talk to me about SRTS stuff and like, while he was doing this he was like wow my schedule is so just so crazy will you be here Monday? Or Tuesday? And I was like? Ya? To your surprise Kylie I’ll be at this desk 8:00-4:30 Monday – Friday for the next few weeks it’s called having a full time job. And he was like okay cool cool yeah you’ll be here and I was like yup definitely gonna be here so we agreed on Monday. Monday was ages ago, I don’t remember what my one task for Monday was. I think I might’ve gone out and done a drive around the town in the city car looking at sidewalk curbs or something. That’s not the point though, the point is that there I was Monday expecting Kylie to roll up for at least 30 minutes to at least come chat with me about SRTS you know like I was ready to talk to the one and only SRTS coordinator here in the city but Kylie never showed? I don’t think he came into work Monday. And if he did, he didn’t have the time in his 30 minute schedule to squeeze me in so we could do a little brainstorming, a little think tank action. So now fast forward to Thursday, yesterday, and Kylie is in the office. I’m like congrats binch you showed up I’m proud of you that’s amazing you’re doing amazing sweetie like someone was looking for him and I was like oh word, he’s down there I saw him walk in earlier. Like wow he’s really up in city hall today god damn god damn. The clock is ticking, Kylie only has so much life left in him to be here at the office, and he comes up to his former desk space and is like hey man, what’s going on you got a minute? And in hindsight I’m like hmmm I’m not a man in the way you use that word and time is fake but I suppose I do have a minute. But I mean at the time I was like yeah of course, of course. So we discuss SRTS to school, I show him the flyers I’ve made, he’s floored. I don’t think Kylie has ever been snatched like this before. It was a new level he was like wow the flyers look great and I was like haha thanks do you want a print out to mark up and he was like oh if I was doing mark ups I’d just look for typos and grammar errors and like, my whole life has been a bunch of moments where I have been fake modest because I knew it was the right thing to do like I’ve known my entire life that gloating is annoying as shit and not a good look and I’ve always put on very performative modesty when needed, but yesterday at city hall I just basked in it. I was like cool cool I’m glad you like it all smug as shit I was like yeah great thanks that’s cool we can just sit here and stare at the flyers for the last six minutes of your shift if you want I don’t mind taking a look at my beautiful aesthetic choices that have led to this moment of you, Kylie, being taken aback by how beautiful your new flyers are.
So that was moment #1, that paragraph started getting long so I decided maybe a paragraph break would be helpful. I’m not a fan of it because I’m still in the same story I think realistically I should delete the paragraph break and rejoin these two but we’re adapting I’m trying to adapt to this drastic shift. Anyway, moment #2, well not even moment but other thing I am going to extrapolate to an extreme degree was him kneeling on the ground to talk to me? Kylie kinda bent down and puts his hands on his knees for a hot second to start talking to me and then he was like fuck it I gotta go all in and just sat on his knees to talk to me. I was…………………………. interested in his choice to do that. I don’t know why he did that honestly. I mean best case scenario? He didn’t enjoy feeling like an authority figure talking down to me but there’s a lot of layers to that how plausible is it that he went through that entire thought process and then his only solution to it was that he decided to plop a squat on his knees like if that was his thinking he totally could’ve grabbed a chair you know? So that was one option, the other option is maybe he just enjoys talking to people while sitting on his knees like it could be a genuinely comfortable position for him. We don’t know? I don’t know Kylie well enough I only get 30 minutes of exposure to him being in the same office space as me but beyond that I don’t know how he feels about sitting on his knees while talking to people. The worst case scenario is if it was a patronizing knee sit like he thought, look at this kid and then sat accordingly to speak and to that I wanna say fuck you Kylie I have at least three kids and I can bake pie I’m an adult I hand wash all my dishes and I like vegetables don’t come at me with any of that shit ever again. But, to reiterate, that’s like the worst case scenario and because I don’t really know Kylie that well we have to give him benefit of the doubt and in that case the most neutral scenario we can deduce is the real reason he spoke to me sitting like that is just because he enjoys sitting on his knees. Not the worst, but if it was the patronizing one @Kylie if you show up to the office today it’s gonna be a cage fight for your entire 30 minutes I’m 20 and deserve some more respect!!!!!! Kylie!!!!! The best part is that after we had this conversation in which he sat on his knees, was further floored by my newsletter design, relinquished all creative control for SRTS to me, and finally asked me to make a google form for him, he left. He went back to his desk for a couple minutes and the next thing you know, he was walking out, made a point to say bye to me and say thank you for the newsletters again and then was out. Like deuces Kylie, lots of respect for only staying 30 minutes. Let’s chat again sometime for sure for sure especially so I can work out more details behind your mannerisms cool cool have a good one. Something like that.
Anyway, let’s like turn the clock backwards pretend it’s Monday all over again and midsummers was still a fresh memory as opposed to a now more dull, less vivid, little wisp of white air like from that one Harry Potter scene you know? Where they take memories from people’s brains and it looks the way it does? You know? That’s what midsummers is now, just a memory Dumbledore can extract for his own personal use. But anyway, midsummers. I fell in love with Tim. His name is Tim and I love him. For one thing, Tim was the one saving my life in the bathroom Saturday night. So one, shining angel from the heavens sent to make sure I shat and threw up okay and to try and make me drink vitamin water but he got a really gross flavor but the point is that he was trying real hard like fending people off etc etc. Tim is also very pretty. There we were, the next day, Sunday, day of the lord and the day of my resurrection because the parallels between me and jesus are endless honestly, I’m a little high and we’re at canes getting lunch. I’m high because I didn’t want to deal with hangover nausea, everyone else is well enough without the use of some substance, we’re sitting at a six person table, I’m at one corner, Tim’s at the other corner and tbh I’m just staring at Tim. But I’m high so no one is thinking too much of me anyway and everyone’s eating and Tim’s really enjoy his popeyes he opted for popeyes instead of canes and he actually had a very strong opinion about popeyes I heard him discussing it with Vivian like he will always choose popeyes over kfc or something basically very strong opinion about fried chicken fast food options. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so strongly about fried chicken. Anyway, I’m taking a good look at Tim and I’m like wow Tim is so pretty. He’s just a very pretty person. His face structure, his even skin tone, the way the back part of his hair sits when he wears a baseball cap, he’s very pretty. Even better is this constant tone of apathy in his voice like he’s always kind of not invested or interested in whatever we’re talking about. It’s just very cool, very suave, I’m like wow that’s very attractive please use your voice more to tell me more about how you couldn’t care less about this interaction we’re having right now. Apathetic and pretty, what an aesthetic. So Tim is dating Vivian, but I think if we all have a discussion about polyamory and why our traditional ideas of monogamy are flawed, we could totally work it out. Lots of communication, I’m down to communicate. I’m good at communicating, kind of. I’m kind of good at it. I try. I’m trying. Also, Tim on Friday night showed me how to take the safety off my lighter lmao so I shoved my fork into a couple lighters and ripped out the safety which was a liberating experience even though I don’t really know what the difference is? I still have to apply pressure to light it idk like it’s marginally easier to smoke a bowl now I guess? It was cool though, double cool because Tim showed me how. So, that’s how I fell in love with another boy lmao. Tim hmu sometime but don’t read this blog post ever but hmu lmk.
Well, to end this Friday blog post, it’ll be one of favorite segments: comedy special reviews!!!! I’ve never reviewed a comedy special on the blog before, I don’t actually watch standup comedy that much either, but on the plane back from Iceland Amar and I watched the Trevor Noah comedy special because we are in love with Trevor obv obv and then Jenny recommended that I watch Hasan Minhaj’s special and that idea had been floating around my head since then. So, I smoked last night because I wasn’t going out and no one else was free but it was Thursday and I kind of wanted to do something so the obvious option was to light up and earlier when I decided I was gonna smoke, I also decided I wanted to watch something. I didn’t know what, I had a couple ideas. Like American Gods was a strong contender, but that was a lot of work logistically but I had been meaning to start it so maybe. Parks and Rec was a much stronger contender tbh. At any point when I’m deciding what to watch, Parks and Rec is always a strong contender. It’s hard for it to not be like do you know who I am and what relation I have to Parks and Rec? That show was my entire high school career. I lived and died with that show. When it ended, it was my senior year. It was time for high school me to die with it, and she did. And now I’m here. But anyway, Parks and Rec was a strong contender and knowing me, it was probably gonna be what I put on. But then I smoked, and started browsing Amazon prime video, tried really hard to watch Legend of Korra but there were too many steps to try and fuckin cast prime video onto the tv so high me was effectively deterred. I opened up the Netflix app and I’m just scrolling, I’m scrolling for years and years like I see Nightcrawler and I’m like maybe for Riz and Jake, but I can’t make a full decision so I don’t choose Nightcrawler. I’m scrolling, I’m scrolling, Netflix tries to suggest more power rangers and I’m like fuck that’s a good option Netflix knows what the fuck is up but I keep scrolling. High me wasn’t connecting with anything on the level I needed. More scrolling, I’ve been scrolling for an eternity at this point, luckily my playlist was bumping so I was jamming, I was scrolling, it’s like me belting supercut at the top of my lungs “CAUSE IN MY HEAD I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT WHEN YOU CALL I FORGIVE AND NOT FIGHT” I’m going all in and it’s also like dedicated scrolling I’m applying all my energy into my thumb like it’s going for it and finally we’re getting to comedy and at that point it was probably over, I’d see Parks and fuck it’d start playing and it’d be a good night. Like that would be it but then I see Hasan Minhaj’s Homecoming King and I’m straight eyeball emojis. I’m like oh, maybe I should check this out. It’s an hour and twelve minutes, I’m like perfect that’ll end around 10:30 I can just drop dead in my bed after that. So before this, it was 9 pm and I was sitting alone in my dark living room fairly high just bumping to supercut. Like, for context of this entire situation because context is important.
So now comes the actual comedy special review!!! That paragraph also got very long and none of it was the comedy special review but I’m here to review it now and that’s what’s going on now. So, like, overall, I enjoyed my time watching Hasan crack jokes on stage. He had theatrics, he had drama, he was connected with the audience like it was fun. I had fun watching him perform. But I also got blindsided like time after time watching this comedy special. Homecoming King is probably one of the most emotional standup comedies I’ve watched? I haven’t watched many so small sample size but also like fuck it was so emotional sometimes. Like here’s Hasan, on stage, taking you through his life and it’s like he’s not leaving out the hard parts and he’s not bringing the hard parts in and turning them into completely hilarious moments he’s letting them stay hard to swallow. Like, spoiler alert I guess? But his post 9/11 story is fucked. I was so scared, I mean I was high so my emotional register was a little different, but the silence from the audience during that story is crazy too. I’m not the only one feeling how heavy this story is, and that’s not the first time he gets heavy and it’s not the last time he gets heavy. Sometimes you’re laughing, snapping your fingers, having a fucking ball and the next second, not even a pause between one part to the next, he’s dropping this heavy heavy shit and you’re still laughing from the last joke but now it’s not funny and you just feel like shit for laughing. That happened to me so many times that’s how emotional it was. He went in and out he was funny and then he was sad and it was fucking me up. But he was genuinely really funny too, like he was working all these emotions out of me if you want a very engaging comedy show just watch Homecoming King. So from a pure emotional stand point as well as a comedy stand point, it’s a good choice. Like just overall, I’d recommend Homecoming King. It’s a pretty politically charged show too, like naturally he’s a reporter on the Daily Show like the overall political climate being what it is, it’s got that political edge the political commentary. And obviously this is the part where the harsher critique comes in like I can’t watch anything these days without some which I accept and embrace so here we go. One, he jokes about getting hit as a child which is fair, your trauma and story is yours to do with it as you see fit but I also didn’t like how he excused it too almost? Not just for himself, but for other brown kids for other immigrant kids and I’m like???????? That’s bad. Like, too much shit comes from hitting your kids don’t fucking hit your kids if you want to be a parent but also think hitting your children is a valid method of discipline you’re not ready to have kids you shouldn’t have kids. Don’t hit kids. So I didn’t like those jokes and it sucks because it’s a very wide spread experience for children of immigrants to get hit and you can joke about it on a personal level but like, this next generation of kids shouldn’t also be laughing and saying #relatable to getting hit like nah I don’t fuck with that. The only other thing that stuck out to me was his last joke about an interracial marriage and how he helped that and basically he’s the cure for racism and it’s funny and he’s gloating and I laughed a little but I was also like okay but interracial relationships don’t fight racism the way we perceive them to. Interracial relationships aren’t the cure to racism in the same way men marrying women doesn’t end misogyny. How many married men do you know also just fucking hate women? Too many. Straight people throw me for a fucking loop every day like why is your life so boring and why do you hate women Jacob? Why? It just felt like a bad look to be celebrating this interracial couple as some solution or some sign that we’ve progressed into the future. Like nah I can go on grindr and get a bunch of racist assholes who want to fuck for all the wrong reasons. White dick and my yellow asshole isn’t gonna end structural inequality and that goes for every relationship. I just sound like I hate love but I love love but celebrate it without pretending that every time you kiss you’ve broken a new barrier and now all the black people who have been mass incarcerated have gotten reparations, you know? And I know Hasan was being funny he’s a comedian he’s on stage he’s got a crowd in front of him you know like the context of it it makes sense but also I want to ask him to do better. He’s also like an inherently political figure at this point and like, he’s gotta be open to criticism. Hasan if you’re reading this just rework the end of your Homecoming King special and also the part about excusing other people getting hit as children, just rework them it’ll be great, a lot of growth it’ll show so much growth I’ll be so proud. So, that was the critical part of the review just some jokes I was like tsk tsk at but other than that lots of fun. High me was attentive the whole time, never dozed off, never let my food get in the way of paying attention. All of what had not left my soul was still there so I mean, in the end Homecoming King gets a good review with some critique on to how to make it better and I think that’s fair.
Okay well, I just finished eating lunch and now I’m biding my time before I can run out of the office and then drive to visit Sarah this weekend. That was a pretty high energy blog post. I don’t know where I found all the energy but I did and I feel like I had a lot more humor in this post than some of my recent posts maybe it was the comedy special thanks for that Hasan. But anyway, biding my time with half the office out already anyway lmao no government employee works on Friday so I’m j chillin. As always, stay tuned for the drama of it all.