It Is Almost Over Kinda
Happy Monday but more importantly happy last week of work to me!!! I will be reclaiming my fucking summer back after this week and I am planning on reading many books/comic books and spending my money on dumb shit but also on smart shit such as but not limited to: more sweaters, more t shirts to turn into crop tops, more string lights, I don’t know maybe I should just go to ikea and see how out of control I can get there. I checked the weather for next week though and apparently it’s going to be rainy? Except I’m gonna wanna sit by the pool so? There’s an immediate conflict of interest between me and the weather right there which is kind of fucked up like the only week I’m not working and it wants to rain instead of be sunny? I would fight the sun on sight if not for my plants, never doing what I want it to do. I wonder if I can snake my way out of working Friday too honestly? I don’t want to work on Friday. I really don’t want to work at all this week but taking two weeks off was a stretch. The “I’m going to the beach for a week” was also a stretch and by stretch I mean lie but we’re not here to question my morality. Anyway, let me move on from work and the end being near. Okay so this is perhaps the worst time to write about this topic since I just set up the IFTTT email applet and now I can’t just post things and expect them to go under the radar for at least a little now there’s like a giant glaring sign on my blog it’s like an alarm it’s an alarm there’s essentially an alarm that goes off every time I post something now so anyway tmi like I’m warning everyone now tmi but my bowel movements have been so clean this summer and I’ve only had sex once………………. which feels criminal in the sense that like I should’ve been having all the sex I had last summer this summer but instead I got stuck in the driest land on earth at the same time my body was just perpetually ready for sex. Okay, well first we should at least just congratulate me on my healthy diet leading to healthy bowel movements leading to all the other positive benefits that come with that or whatever but the number of times I’ve been in that private bathroom at work after taking my post-lunch shit and thought to myself, you should be having more sex but unfortunately the only people who get that around here are the white men exclusively fucking other white men so it’s fine I don’t want to fuck them anyway but like on a purely utilitarian level this seems like a waste especially factoring in all the other circumstances. Those other circumstances being: living alone in the apartment and also having a shit ton of free time after work like again I just think when you’re looking at it from a standpoint of when is the best time to have sex I feel like all signs really pointed to yes for this summer and as the worst season of the year comes closer to the end I am just reflecting on this. I did try at one point. Well, I messaged the guy I matched with on tinder who I see at the gym all the time but I messaged him on grindr after I asked him to spot me once and I really just straight up was like hmu if you wanna fuck but that was a bust but not because of me, well I’m gonna say not because of me, but he was like I’m not looking right now but if I am I’ll let you know which is like fair but also could totally be a cop out answer but either way fair anyway #shootyourshot2k17 right? In other romantic developments, “”””romantic”””” whatever romance is whatever platonic is anyway this isn’t the post where I’m gonna unpack that dichotomy I wanna talk about tinder anyway I was back in nova and matched with this guy and we started talking the day after the Khalid concert and obviously I was still reeling over the concert like who in that audience was suddenly back to normal on Sunday after seeing Khalid Saturday night that’s just not realistic more on the concert later maybe I don’t know yet anyway me and this boy. Actually this story isn’t that funny we’re just talking and he’s cute but I feel like I am once again carrying the conversation like why am I always the better texter you know that one gif of Bey that’s like “why did god give me my talent” that’s me when it comes to texting I’m so fucking funny but none of these boys can keep up!!!!!!! Okay the story was basically I asked him what his favorite song off American Teen was and he said he didn’t know the album that well but really liked Location and I should have unmatched but instead I tried to get him to listen to the album but I don’t know how to confirm that I’ve done Khalid justice how do I know that he listened to the album how can I confirm that I’ve spread the sweet sweet sounds of our baby boy to yet another set of ears???? Do I just bring it up again? We moved on in the conversation but I’ve yet to move on from American Teen. I mean, will we as a society ever collectively be ready to move on from such an album? Probably not. Anyway, if you have any tips on how to confirm that this boy listened to American Teen comment below thanks.
Anyway anyway, the other night I had a terrible dream. I mean, not a scary one well actually no it was in fact terrifying but not like one of the scary dreams I sometimes had as a child. I actually often had scary dreams when I was younger. Too much anxiety bleeding into my subconscious and fucking me up lmao like one time, I was pretty young prob only like 5 or something around there, but I woke up from a dream and screamed lmao I was also sleeping in between my parents how fucking terrifying would that be if your child just woke up screaming I wasn’t like holding an extended scream though I’m pretty sure it was pretty quick and I probably went back to sleep right after basically actually I also remember the dream this was a pretty defining moment in my life in which I became a very very nervous child. The dream is really dumb but basically one of my neighbors poured out some strange blue liquid from their second floor window and I was just playing outside watching it happen but then the liquid turned into a monster and then I ran inside and it chased after me in my living room but not a dramatic chase we really just ran around in a very small circle but I mean at age five I really didn’t have a good grasp on how to lengthen my stride to clear more distance faster so I can see why this chase scene was so terrifying. I also think this nightmare was inspired by the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie like this blue monster was some bootleg version of Ivan Ooze you know? Anyway, from then on I was terrified of everything in the world and going downstairs alone suddenly became a challenge but look at me now I’m living alone in an apartment so I think it all turned out okay and also I have reconciled the complete artistry of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie so it’s fine. Lmao okay so anyway fast forward 15ish years and the other night I had this terrible dream that I sent the logo I made at work to some graphic design agency or something like it was undergoing an art review essentially but I had sent them like the first draft version where I hadn’t even chosen a good color palette yet like pretty much all the shapes and vectors were still black and I chose one accent color and basically it was fucking ugly but like I knew the final version of the logo looked good like it was an I did that moment truly but I was reading their review of it online and I saw the picture of the logo and was devastated because they weren’t reviewing the final version!!!!!!! I was so upset reading their critiques it was like, the logo is underdeveloped and with some further detail could turn this concept into something eye catching and I was so mad because I had already turned it into something eye catching!!!!! I literally had a finalized version with a well thought out color palette and cell shading and everything but they would never know and the internet would just see this shoddy thing and barely give it a thought. I was so upset in my dream. It was way more upsetting than the blue monster chasing me in a circle in my living room. I’m genuinely mad at this happening even if it only happened in my dream. Anyway the logo looks good and I’m never sending anything to anyone to get reviewed for the internet’s consumption ever and that’s that on that.
Anyway, this past weekend my mom was telling me about a stress test the doctors had her do for something which then prompted the memories of my own stress test that I did in 9th grade during tennis season. It was my first season of high school tennis, I was already head bitch playing number one but I was also getting really really dizzy and out of breath when I played? So in the name of drama I was like, nah I need to go the doctor so I don’t die out here playing this stupid game for a high school team. And I mean, in some ways I wasn’t wrong to go the doctor but also like maybe I should have tried doing more conditioning? Lmao. Basically, in 10th grade I was breathing just fine while playing tennis and I realized, huh I was just out of shape the whole time. But!!! I felt like I was gonna pass the fuck out on the courts so you know what it was time to go under and get heart surgery!!! I did not end up getting heart surgery but I did go to a cardiologist. They made me run for a little and like every time I came back from a doctor’s visit they’d be like, everything looks good you’re healthy and I was like okay but none of you have addressed the fact that I’m out there losing all my tennis matches and also getting dizzy while doing so. When will I get concrete answers? I got my blood tested during this time too cause they were like maybe you’re anemic and I was like you’re probably right take my blood and that was the first time I had given blood and my dumbass didn’t know any better so I watched the whole thing happen like I watched them stab me which already is the wrong way to get stabbed like listen, if someone wants to stab me I just want them to do it out of my line of sight like don’t come barreling down straight in front of me to stab me. Do it from behind, or like the sides where my peripheral vision ends but don’t stab me while I’m watching. So anyway, I was there getting blood drawn and I watched them shove that needle in but you know the needles they use to draw blood are not regular needles they’re little tubes so they hurt even more and despite that I still watched them draw my blood!!! So dumb like I just stared in disgust at the blood moving through to tube like I couldn’t take my eyes away but it would’ve saved me a lot of psychological pain if I had just turned my head. Wouldn’t even take more than a 30 degree turn, so minor but I was fixated and also gagging. It’s just gross to watch them take blood out of you like girl, pause, maybe we should keep that inside me. I’m not anemic anymore. I was never anemic, the blood tests came back and they were like you look great! And again, I was like well when I pass out on the tennis courts you tell me whether I’m looking great or not anymore!! So then I also tried an inhaler during this time lmao they were like maybe it’s asthma and I was like, wow you’re right but the inhaler didn’t help and the steroids just made me tremble you know? So that was yet another bust but I was pretty confident in the inhaler I was like this one is it but it wasn’t it. Honestly maybe it was nerves? 9th grade me was still very nervous as a person, I mean I’m still kinda that nervous girl, like I haven’t printed out anything at work because I refuse to ask the other interns for help with the printer but I’ve considered doing it multiple times but anyway there’s an entirely different context to this work situation, anyway 9th grade me was super nervous about like…………….. life lmao and also I’m just a terrible person to be playing competitive sports completely due to getting nervous. My coach in 9th grade was really cool, she was this fun psychology and history teacher and she made smoothies for us before matches but anyway one time we were talking after a match and she was like, do you get nervous before tests? And I was like girl lmao no this is just high school I mean I didn’t say that but I was like no my straight A’s come without a sweat sis trust that and then she was so no test anxiety? Maybe you should try to use that mindset and I was like no I don’t know……………………….. what mindset you’re talking about tennis is a completely insurmountable mental block for me as are all other competitive sporting situations I quit soccer in 5th grade because the kids were too serious about soccer but we were only 11 they made me nervous to play with them also like traditionally masculine boys (read: the pervasiveness of toxic masculinity) were already a problem for me in elementary school I just didn’t have the vocabulary to define why I didn’t like hanging out with boys they just made me feel off. So anyway, never got to the bottom of the dizziness but like I ended up being fine the next season, I mean even into the summer when I played tennis all summer I was fine like I was just legit out of shape from idk doing cross country but not doing cross country well? That doesn’t make sense honestly but none of 9th grade made sense except for algebra 2 so. Anyway, miss playing tennis maybe I’ll go to my coach’s day camp sometime next week when I get back and am a free bitch who knows.
Okay well I’m gonna psych myself up to ask someone to help me print my beautiful newsletters so my supervisor can mark them up and be like actually I had in mind for this month etc etc etc and I’ll be like of course I can change it but inside I’ll be like well if you knew exactly what you had in mind you should really tell me so that we can avoid this dance where I guess at what the fuck you want to see on the newsletter and then you tell me after I give you my half-assed guess. But anyway, stay tuned for the drama of it all.
Okay well as an update on the printer situation I ended up having to call IT to connect my account to the printer but in the end all they did was go to a directory of printers and double click the one I wanted to connect to like why couldn't they just put up instructions on getting to the directory in the first place? Why was I told to call IT when I could do it myself with typed up guidance? Unbelievable.