The Date Says The 19th But It's Past Midnight But Time Is Fake So It's Still The 19th
Today's good things: I finished most of my work before 11pm, I played well at volleyball like my serves were spicy like ya boy added a jump float to his serving repertoire, Omar was taking a nap when I got home from class today I was very happy for him
I finally started that page in my bullet journal listing out some ideas for these blog posts. When I first started the page at 11 am I had shitty ideas. I only wrote down one good idea and I was pretty disappointed because I had been thinking about writing this inspiration page for so long. I had at least like two good ideas and three below average ideas to put down when I first thought of writing ideas in my bullet journal. Then push comes to shove I crack under the pressure of my own creation and only have one good idea for it. Unbelievable. This is why I can't play sports on a competitive level, can't handle the pressure. Tennis season in high school? I was trash but I was the best of Annandale's trash. Lost pretty much every single match I played cause I was playing 1st seed which meant other people were also good and could actually play in a formal, competitive setting. I was just there cause like, what else was I gonna do with my 3+ years of private lessons and clinics you know. I think if I had continued playing tournaments in high school instead of like having a life outside of tennis I could've learned to handle the pressure but I never wanted to commit. Huge FOMO in high school. I was just absolutely terrified of giving up all my future weekends to tennis. I wasn't even doing anything cool in high school. What could I have possibly missed? But I was terrified of missing out on the slightly cool thing I might be doing one weekend in the future so therefore I couldn't commit to playing tennis on a competitive, tournament level. Too bad. Now I'm just stuck with the leftover tennis skills and larger muscular structure on the right side of my body caused by playing tennis throughout my pubescent years.
So anyway, this idea page in my bullet journal. Disappointing when I first started it, but then I walked outside of class and I saw this boy really putting the pedal to metal while biking and I thought, that'd be a great idea for a journal entry. But not today's. But now I had a good idea for the idea page and I was practically sprinting in the 85 degree weather to get home and write this bad boy down in my journal before I forgot it. I sweat for this fucking idea. So satisfying to write it down, but there's an 'a' that I wrote really ugly that's currently disappointing me. In the midst of my energetic writing I fucked up and 'a' and now the entire line is ugly. It's a great idea still, I'm definitely gonna write about it, but honestly it makes me sad to look at because of that ugly 'a'. I don't love her and she's ruining my life. But this bike idea really got the gears turning. After that stepping outside automatically resulted in a genius idea. I was churning them out like a god damn factory. Capitalism was LIVING for my productivity, honestly. I had was drafting like ten different paragraphs in my head at once. By the time I got to my last class I had to brain dump or I was gonna explode. Crazy. Anyway, hopefully you guys will actually get to see me write about those things one day. We'll see. I'm too easily carried away so I may never even get to tackling my list. That'd be more disappointing than when I only wrote down one idea.
Today I went to the math workshop for help on some homework. Last year I used to go to this damn workshop multiple times a week. Maybe on the daily. It was ridiculous except that it wasn't ridiculous because my grad TA for both of my math classes last year was so cute. He TA'd for Calc 3 and then he moved up levels with me and TA'd for Diff Eq second semester and honestly? If he wanted to go on a date all he had to do was ask like don't be so discreet about it you know. Just be straight forward. The problem with this relationship was that I could do most of my homework without help so like I only had so many chances to interact with him. But I really had a constant presence in this workshop. Like sure the room was usually crowded and bustling but me and him? Connected. We knew each other enough to say hi if we saw each other outside of the workshop. I was like okay stop flirting and just ask me out already. I would go to all the review sessions he hosted before tests too. This man was useless. He was like, not the best one to be holding these sessions lmao. He definitely vaguely remembered his time in differential equations but for the most part he was just surviving off the answer key. I loved him for his lack of actual ability. It was charming. So were his cardigans. He had cute sweaters and who else has cute sweaters? Me. Basically we were in love. But as the semester ended, I asked him if he'd be moving up math levels again and he said no. Fucking wrecked right there in public. I was just like, oh haha are you sure you wouldn't want to TA for prob stat, all while holding back tears and this man said he should've stuck with being a TA for Calc 2. I was honestly just so shocked he could throw away our entire year together like that. So it's been months since that day, and today I finally had the heart to go back to the room where my heart was broken in April. I already knew he wasn't gonna be there. He wasn't even being a TA for math classes anymore. Maybe the break up hit him hard too, he too just couldn't return. I had checked his Facebook and it turns out he moved back to North Carolina. How could he? Now I'm healing with all this closure. White boys are demons though, what more could I have expected?
Anyway so I never even asked the TA for help at this workshop because they never showed up. I ended up asking my friend which I should've just done in the first place instead of digging up old feelings (see above). I got some work done and was about to go get some coffee and write this exact blog post in a coffee shop like the gigantic cliche I want to be as a writer but then I remembered how I hadn't thawed out my wild caught salmon fillets and I'd be absolutely ruined for dinner if I didn't get them thawed in time. What a rude awakening to being an independent person. The next hour of my day was drastically changed all because I forgot to put some salmon on the counter. That's unbelievable, that's crazy, I can't believe it. Instead of living it up at a coffee shop somewhere before my next class I was back home shoving these salmon packages into a bowl of cold water to speed up the thawing process. But I think next time I need to get out of some uncomfortable interaction I will just say I forgot to thaw some salmon for dinner so I have to go home sorry bye. I think it's foolproof. It's so obscure but at the same time so relatable. Anyway cooking dinner for themselves can relate. They'd just be like shit, of course he's gotta go he's not gonna eat tonight if he doesn't! And I'd have to agree, I'd starve if I didn't get home in time so I'll just have to rain check this awkward interaction some other time when I forget to thaw my dinner again. If the people don't know what it's like to be cooking for themselves they might be sympathetic still and let me leave without a battle. There's the off chance they try to dismiss my problem as trivial though, as if it's not some matter of life and death. That would prove more difficult but I'd still leave. I'd scold them about never having to take responsibility for themselves and not knowing what it's like to be working and trying to feed yourself. How incredibly insensitive it was of them to try and dismiss my problem like that. I wouldn't even rain check after that, I would be so jaded that this excuse would end all future interactions. Maybe that's the best case scenario. I'll have to think about this some more though. Let this idea simmer.
Today's post was so long. How do I have so much to say? I'm getting better at staying on topic though, nice nice. You're all witnessing the birth of the next great essayist right here on ello. Stay tuned for more as always.