By Phineas Thackery Puckleworth
Prologue: I tried to help the City of Simpleton and its utility, Simpleton Power and Light (SPL) by cutting down on the number of power outage calls during a storm. Do you think for one second they appreciated my efforts?
I’m out on bail. What happened, you ask? The Simpleton Police Department, a force of two, obtained a warrant from the city judge, one of the two, and arrested me for the telephone jamming. They showed no appreciation for my valiant attempt to help SPL reduce its case load.
A tropical storm came through Simpleton, took out a few trees, damaged a few buildings and knocked out our power. My neighbors lost their power, but I had a generator and barley noticed anything. When I got on Twitter and Facebook, what did I see but whine, whine, whine?
Then I saw where people said they called SPL and that’s what set me off. How. Dare. They?! Do they fail to realize SPL is already trying to help me? Yet they persisted in distracting SPL with their complaints. I tried counseling them to grow up.
Can you believe they blocked me and reported me? I was kicked off Twitter and Facebook a few hours later. Luckily, I had backup accounts for this contingency. I think ahead! Naturally, however, I was angry and decided to impose the Puckleworth Plan on the unruly masses.
Simply put, my ingenious strategy was to jam the cellphone towers with a recording of me telling folks to stop calling SPL. It was a 39½-minute lecture on obedience and respect for authority: my authority. I’m aware that I hold no elected office, but that is irrelevant!
I tried writing to the Simpleton City Council about my plan, but those ungrateful swine never acknowledged my great idea. Consequently, I designed a simple cellphone-tower jamming device that could broadcast a powerful signal on a single generator.
A day or two before the storm hit, I went down to the filling station and bought six gas cans worth of unleaded. Then I went home, filled my generator, and cranked it up. It was after midnight, but I assured my whiny neighbors that it was just a test.
Then I flipped on my jamming device and attempted a call. Bingo! My message came through the speaker no matter what number I called:
“Hello. Simpleton Power and Light is currently busy and your attempts to report your outage are a distraction. Blah blah blah…”
The only thing I did wrong in the recording was identify myself by name while issuing the valid complaint that no one respects the rules anymore or my ideas for imposing strict order. That led the police right to my door. Next time, I’ll use a pseudonym and avatar.
It just goes to show you. People are basically criminals. The second the police turned off my jamming device and seized it along with my generators, SPL experienced a surge of outage reports. They might as well have straightened out the water hose after I crimped it off.