Scofflaw Journals: Father’s Day Outrage!
by Phineas Thackery Puckleworth
The Simpleton City Council chose, once again, to ignore me. Do you think they realize what they turned away? Absolutely not! They don’t deserve the brilliant insights into human nature that I bring to the table. There is none so blind as the man who will not see, but I’m not giving up. I will continue to propose new laws until Simpleton sees the light.
The package I submitted today includes a series of new laws about Father’s Day. It is simply unacceptable to set aside a day to honor men because their wives, girlfriends, and mistresses bore them offspring. Some men have issue from all three. Meanwhile, we who have chosen to live alone, go unrecognized for our selfless decision not to overpopulate the planet with our spawn.
One of the bills I proposed was to outlaw Father’s Day. Men who already have too much receive even more gifts from their fawning, gushing families. You’d think they were glowing examples of human virtue or something. From now on, Father’s Day will be illegal if the Simpleton City Council considers my proposal. I’m sure they’ll ratify it into law if only they will read the marvelous preamble I wrote:
“We, the citizens of Simpleton, Illinois, in order to reform our ungrateful City Council, establish new laws and proper order, enforce domestic control, require common obedience, promote general compliance, and curtail to scourge of extravagant gifts for undeserving men, do ordain and establish this proposed legislation submitted by Phineas Thackery Puckleworth for the elimination of that abomination of desolation, Father’s Day.”
Ah, now there is a fine piece of proposed legislation that deserves to become the law of the land! Never in my life have I seen such a brilliant example of visionary thinking. Every stroke of my pen practically screams for codification, and why shouldn’t Simpleton vote it into law? It is the most forward thinking bill in over a thousand years. It puts the Magna Carta to shame.
I’m sure at least half the Simpleton City Council consists of fathers. That’s probably why they reject all my proposals. They don’t want to give up all the selfish gifts their families heap on them this time every year. When was the last time anyone thought of me, Phineas Thackery Puckleworth? If no one recognizes me on Father’s Day, why should any other male figure receive undue adulation?
My neighbor’s wife and the residue of their unholy union bought him a telescope for Father’s Day. Do you want to know what I did? I confiscated that outrageous gift on behalf of the City of Simpleton and locked it up in storage. No one thanks me now, but I’m sure the world will eventually recognize the good I’ve done while it ignored my sacrifices.
Please write to the City Council of Simpleton, Illinois, and tell them to vote yes on all the fine legislation I have put before it. Let them know you are watching them with me to ensure the faithful execution of all my proposed legislation and initiatives. Thank you!