It's absurd sometimes how much you think you do for a situation only to realize that you were more harm than help.
My social anxiety has overcome me in the past months, and in most cases leaves me tongue tied and speechless. My knees ache, my hands tremble, and my voice quivers but for some reason I'm determined I finish what I'm saying... Even if it kills me.
-- I'm tired --
I want the effortless, educated conversation that used to flow from my lips like fresh spring water. Now all I get is a clumsy puddle, half dried days after rain.
I trip over myself in talks with regular people who don't intimidate me, but for some reason will make me feel inadequate.
-- I'm scared --
What if I can't fix this? What if I become a babbling idiot for the rest of my life? What if I end up speaking backwards for eternity? What if I eventually become paralyzed by this?
This is not the way I want to live.
-- I'm lost --
Where can I go from here? Who helps me? I know how to speak, but the situations I find myself in in everyday life become a hazard to my emotional being. I can't go on like this.
People don't understand me when I'm speaking to them.
Then I try again.
Then I stop, and rephrase.
Another word scrambled.
I've now lost my train of thought.
I give up.
The conversation is over.
The art of conversation was something that always came very naturally to me, and now I'm disabled.
In a way, I feel like Frida Kahlo, afraid I'll never use my truest art form again in the aftermath.
I must rehabilitate.
I must focus.
I must fight this demon.
I must speak clearly again.