I still think about her a lot. More than I should. But on some level I know that I'm not thinking about her. But what she represented. She opened my eyes to a future that I didn't even know that I wanted. It's a rather prosaic tableau. Stable. Heteronormative, and potentially comes complete with kids.
It seems that vision of what could be was seductive. It would appear that the settled down life of parenthood and taking care of a family is actually something I could want. If the parameters are right. If the partner is right. For the right person... I'd dive in.
That's what I think about. Not her. She made me miserable. Worked me. She won. I did whatever she wanted and it was never enough. I always needed to prove more, but I didn't know how. But I tried so hard. Worked. Manipulated. Lost. Move on. Look for the next one.
Look for how you can make it work with someone who's there for you forever. Ride or die. Even though you aren't a finished product. They'll stay with you while you figure you out. Because you're hanging in there, while they figure their shit out.
There must be someone out there who wants to see if the stars in our eyes can align.