Life Lessons from Cats:
As translated by frequent cat intern, Rev. Rayne
1) Sleep often. This is best practiced in someone's lap or a spot of warm sunshine. If neither is available, make any available spot a bed. No matter how uncomfortable it may look, you can make it comfortable for you.
2) Stretch. Especially applicable after a really long and restful sleep. Also good when readjusting and when you just need to show everyone how freaking adorable you are.
3) When not sleeping, eat. And if the food isn't good, send it back. (Though you probably should not do it by throwing up on the carpet; some things cats can get away with that people cannot.)
4) If not sleeping or eating, play. Play like crazy! Run around and swat at things. Bolt, full speed, from one end of the house to the other. It's most fun while everyone else is asleep (but again, cats get away with things people do not).
5) Bathe yourself regularly. Best before a nap. And (if you can get away with it), if you feel generous, bathe a loved one too.
6) Know when to bite/claw/smack someone. Cats are fairly docile. But, every now and then, you just gotta smack a punk. However, you also have to know how much effort you need to put into it. They're walking a little too close? A few lazy swats to let them know, "This is my space; no funny business!" Getting near your food dish? Hiss and hit hard if they can't take a hint! And every so often, when someone literally or metaphorically rubs you the wrong way, give them the real business- teeth, claws, and all.
7) When something absolutely has to die, remember, nothing says love like dropping the corpse of your slain enemy at your loved one's feet. It shows them you care so much, not only would you kill for them, but you will give them the body. (State and local laws may vary. Cats, like politicians and celebrities, are usually not subject to human law.)
8) Enjoy little things. Whether it is a string, hair tie, red dot, or someone's purse/bag/backpack, have fun with it. First and foremost, empty boxes are the best toy ever! A little imagination and it is whatever you need it to be. It's also a great place to get a jump on anyone.
9) Sometimes you just have to say f*** it. If you have not yet been spayed/neutered, this can be metaphorical or quite literal. (Again, laws may vary on to whom/what, and to what extent, you can get away with this.)
10) Lastly, if it loves you, feeds you, and rubs you right, it is yours. You show it affection and rub on it like crazy so everyone else knows it. And if you can sleep on/against/near it, it is probably the best sleeping spot in the house. Take advantage of it!
(Human note: This is the short list.)