So things are really quieting down with OKC. There's not too much out there that I haven't tried already, and I'm pretty sure the site's algorithms are working against me (you get promoted the more you 'contribute', and I guess sunken if you don't).
I only reach out to one at a time, as it's a lot easier to focus. Sometimes I see a new possibility, and I bookmark them for later. Yesterday, I messaged someone I had bookmarked. I had bookmarked her as, frankly, I didn't think I had much of a chance.
Then the little pink message light went on. She replied.
Ouch. That smarts. Not the rejection bit -- I'm well used to that -- but the actual rejection message, which is a first for online dating. Normally, women simply don't respond. I've never come across someone who actually came out and said "not interested".
I can't imagine that goes over well for her. Probably inviting a lot of abuse, actually. But I simply replied "OK, thanks anyway, all the best".
Still -- going from the pink light of optimism to the immediate dashing of it? An emotional suckerpunch. I wasn't ready for that.
And so now I'm really not in the mood to keep doing this.
I have a few weeks left to go on this stupid thing, but... yeah. I was never really into it, and now I'm REALLY not into it. If things aren't going to happen for me, I'm much happier when I don't actively seek out my own disappointment.
This episode, the dashed connection with Ukulele Girl -- I just don't have it in me to keep getting back up again. I used to. I was pretty resilient after past rejections (and boy, were there a lot), but now I'm just so tired of it all. So very tired.
I've long ago accepted that it's never going to happen for me, and that's fine, but each successive try to rage against that takes more and more out of me. There might finally be nothing left.
Which is not entirely a disappointment, honestly. Resignation can be pretty freeing. More of the same isn't a bad state of affairs. It's just awkward, and occasionally lonely. There are worse problems to have.