So nothing is going on on OKC. Certainly nothing local -- I'm getting flashes of interest from Bahrain or the Philipines, which I'm guessing is the same spam bullshit I got out of Africa or Colombia on lavalife way back when.
Anyway, a bit of an existential moment last night, when I was reviewing all these women that I'd passed on, for whatever reason. It was the usual self-sabotage idea I face every now and then. 'Was there really something wrong with all these women, or is it something in me that pushes them away?' It's not an easy/pleasant question to face.
Or, in the alternative, am I going back to the discard pile, hoping to find something after all, to legitimize this whole thing? Maybe, maybe not.
I'm inclined to think the former, that I push people away. And if I do, why is that? But also, then, if that's what I do, isn't being alone the 'natural state' I deep-down prefer?
In the meantime, I just want to stop checking on this stupid thing. It's made itself a regular check on my round of internet sites, whenever I log on, or move onto another site. And not seeing anything happening -- over and over again -- isn't good for my self-esteem at all.
Whatever. I've decided to coast until something happens, or until my term expires, whichever comes first. Chasing down leads in Toronto isn't doing me any good whatsoever.