I am spreading myself too thin, and there is very little flavor in that, even when you cover a lot of surface.
I am using this weekend as a milestone to focus forward with. It is not quite two months, now, and even though there is a piece of me screaming not to inter his ashes, I have the phial, the niche is ready in the columbarium, the service is set for tomorrow night, and I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I found a costume top hat in the closet, and put it on his urn. I'll upend it and fill it with fortune cookies at the reception; I'm making a poster with pictures of him and quotes to put inside the door of the Parish Hall. A woman came from a local AA group this week and brought me a hard gotten 5 year coin for him that will go in the niche with the urn.
This is the last thing I can do for him. When I was editing and printing the programs for his service I put one of his photographs in it, of a sunset, over the obituary. This all feels so monumentally unfair, and even though I know life has a tendency to be that way, it's not even about me. He feels cut short, unfinished. I wish there was something else I could do for him besides lay him to rest.
Here is the PDF of Adam's service bulletin. If you go to a print view you can probably see it better, since it's a booklet.