I always came home from school to find the piece of shit passed out on his piece of shit recliner with the Jerry Springer show on the television. His feet smelled terrible and I remember not able to stand hanging out in the living room. He wasn’t wearing a shirt of course and the remote was lodged in between his beer belly and his crotch, which prevented me from changing the channel. I checked the VCR to search for pornos before my little sister got home. I wasn’t looking forward to the other kids reminding me the next day what I missed on The Jerry Springer Show, I already knew what it was about without them telling me, it was the same stupid show every day with a different title. This episode was about a supposedly naïve mother and father who discover their son is pimping out their twos daughters. Then comes their twelve year old cross dressing son he is selling his ass to grown men to buy a new bike. I swear my IQ drops a point every minute this show is on. The generation who watched this show will grow up to elect Donald Trump for president.
My mind tends to play tricks on me, I try to convince myself that my life is different, that my clothes weren’t from Wal-Mart, that my real dad cared enough about me not to kill somebody and get his stupid ass thrown in prison for thirty years when I was an infant. I try to convince myself I wasn’t socially awkward and my mother wasn’t in LaLaland. It’s possible for somebody to love you and still not give a shit about you, there are many of us who learn that horrible lesson before our brains are fully developed enough to comprehend it. People have a hard time with the truth and rather fill their heads with lies, especially if it keeps them from thinking for long periods of time.
I go down the hall to find glass and blood all over the floor and broken picture frames thrown around. To you this may come off shocking but to me it was a pretty occurrent situation. Not daily, not weekly but at least once a month I was the one forced to clean a mess up like this. I just wasn’t really feeling it today, I got tired of cleaning their messes up, So I just went straight to my room. In my room I put on my music which I usually kept loud so I wouldn’t hear the sound of screaming and breaking. My music was pretty eclectic, Rock, HipHop… even Blues, Jazz and Showtunes. I didn’t realize until now how cultured I was compared to the whitetrash paradise I was living under. My favorite movie was, and still is, Casablanca while everybody around me wouldn’t shut up about American Pie and that IQ dropping pie fucking scene. In fact, the THING on the couch was so stupid and uncultured he thought Forrest Gump was based on a real guy.
I always found it funny how prejudice a white man who chooses to live in the barrio or ghetto can be, especially when he comes from a business owning family. Or maybe it wasn’t true, I don’t know, everything that came out of his mouth was a fucking lie. Not even normal lies, like trying to look cool, lies that didn’t make any sense or difference one way or the other. Like saying he had an extra kid out in the world somewhere or saying he ate at McDonalds when he actually ate at Dairy Queen. He would often take scenes from movies and claim they happened to him. I remember him describing his life to the exact plot of Full Metal Jacket when he was never even in the military. I remember one specific lie he told me about a time he was shot during a drive by shooting. According to his story he and his two brothers were walking down the street and a group of Mexicans were doing a drive by shooting. Not only did that not happen but he also didn’t have two brothers.
The only reading material in the house were dirty magazines that were left out in the open unless visitors came over which wasn’t even that big of a deal since the only visitors that came over were his drunk and horny drinking buddies. I learned about the birds and the bees from a porno he made me watch with him. I was nothing but a wetback and my friends were nothing but niggers. My mother was a cunt, bitch and a whore… all women were. Boy he hated Mexicans even though he married one. He called Blacks ignorant and lazy yet he did nothing but sit on his ass, drink beer and watch the Jerry Springer show.
In that room that day I decided I was not going to let my life go down like this. I promised myself I wouldn’t live the rest of my life scared to death. I made myself believe this wouldn’t last and my life had meaning. I may not have come far in this world but compared to what I came from I’ve traveled light years. I may be overweight, I may be socially awkward, I may be a lot of things… but I am not him… and I never will be. It was in that room that day I decided to sit down with a paper and pen and write this story. #writing #life #frustration #childabuse #childneglect #ptsd