Journal Entry 6: Yeah, is that spring?
I’m not outside right now. But I’m looking at it. It’s getting nicer now. Well, nicer than crappy Fort Wayne end-of-winters lead its residents to be braced for. My hopes lie in the ability to lose my shoes at the door as soon as I get home and tramp about the entire household, inside and out.
I would like the weather also to turn for selfish, scholarly reasons. See, when the weather gets nice to us, I feel indestructible. Come at me, ten-thousand word essays, six term papers due within the same three-day span complete with well-practiced & eloquent Power Point presentations. I can ignore you in the comfort of the outdoors now---take a deep breath, you feel that? It’s the sound of my straight A’s, crying out for help---
Just kidding. I’m too paranoid to let my grades suffer that badly. But it’s halfway to the final stretch and I can already feel myself coiling up, preparing for the ultimate obliteration of my soul. Senior year. Ah, the memories…
Journal Entry 7: No
It was snowing briefly after work last night. Snowing on a hefty portion of the time I spent outside all day which was strictly the time it took me to walk from my car to the nearest entrance. It was about fifty-something yesterday. Now this.
But then, this morning was technically just overcast and lukewarm enough to be considered a dozy spring day---and I took full advantage of it. I busted out of bed when my alarm went off. After only twenty minutes of prep time, I was out on my bike and pedaling like a maniac for the River Greenway. I live just outside of downtown, and I was booking it. I made it to Main Street in no time. Guess how far I got before I nearly keeled over the side of my bike and vomited into the road? St. Joe’s Hospital. Yep. And, as I’m painstakingly wobbling around the parking lot’s perimeter behind the hospital, lo and behold an icy rain starts to fall. I nearly laid down in the middle of Berry Street and let the next passing vehicle just put me out of my misery.
First betrayed by the forecast, then my own body, and then (no surprise here) the city. No cars came to crush me. Well. What did I expect in a sadistic place like Fort Fun. Just---no.
Journal Entry 8: What
I’m usually pretty forgiving of Fort Wayne's weather bipolarism. Especially around this time of year when everyone just turns into an old curmudgeon about it and gripes about hating winter. Still don’t hate winter. But this---is garbage.
What kind of pattern goes from fifties to thirties with flurries, to forties to twenties with windchill issues and a sticky layer of snow to ice up your morning commute? Evil, that’s what it is. Sheer, shameless volatility hellbent on destroying my chances of feeling better about schoolwork procrastination and life in the Fort in general.
Journal Entry 9: After work
My friend Logan and I got out of work, late as usual. This kind of thing happens when you work at a wine bar. Oh, look! It’s midnight outside! Where did the day go.
Well, as it stood---the day was still right there when we got out. Dark and starry, but pristine and perfect for lingering to trace out constellations. It was silent. It was calming.
Now comes the seasons where we humans can stay outdoors for hours and hours and only note a shift in the comforts the day brings. First its birds, perhaps mostly clear skies and a gentle, cool breeze. Hours later, it’s just night with its easygoing glow, chirping insects, and nippy swirling zephyrs that make a cozy jacket a welcomed requirement.
If I was more trusting of bugs to stay out of my ears and away from my face as I slept, I would seriously consider staying outside any moment I wasn’t penned up indoors. Ooh! Do they pay people to---oh, I dunno---live in a massive treehouse and write from there? Collegiate career, don’t fail me now---
Journal Entry 10: No goose in sight
We were outside for class on a day I just wanted to accept F’s for the rest of the semester and curl up in bed and possibly die there. So much for senior year outshining the rest. You know how it goes. It’s the last year. The last semester. The last assignments and tests. I’ve already been told I’m apparently neat enough to recognize at the little Convocation Awards ceremony. I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that none of what I’ve known for the last seventeen years will be continuing on with me.
What do I have? A peon’s worth of work ahead and this bachelor’s degree in English. A knack for writing, drawing and geeking out about weird animal and nature facts. Two part time jobs, no benefits save the freedom to now literally do whatever the hell I want. And that---terrifies me most. Because I have no clue what I want.
No more school, for starters, sure. But I’ll also miss the routine, the expected panics and mini heart attacks over research. Who’s gonna hand me new and interesting knowledge, keep my mind pried wide open and fascinated on seeking? Me?? I don’t trust myself as far as I can throw myself. Which---seems impossible to begin with---
Point being, there’s a lot more than my procrastination breakdowns on my mind. But that one peaceful session by the pond for an assignment---it kind of cured everything. Even just for a moment. I don’t know what happened, but I was thoroughly convinced everything was just fine. Forget the fuzziness of whatever future comes along. It was gorgeous out there. And not one damn goose around to soil the scene. ---m