Decided to post this publicly here, because, hey, it's been a while Ello, and maybe it will be some sort of catharsis to air my dirty laundry.
I want to go to the gym to take out my frustration, but right now my shoulder would keep me from hitting the weights like I want.
I've been looking at the "success" thing sort of a spectrum. On one end, there is the blackness of giving up completely. On the other end there is focusing with a white hot intensity. The big gulf in the middle is a gray land of drudgery and, often, seemingly mindless repetition.
The former end is, by definition, failure. The latter end, however, is apparently not immune to failure, either.
All the focus in the world, all the effort you can put into something, all the knowledge and ability you have, can inexplicably fail you at the most inopportune time.
I don't know what the lesson is for this, and don't profess to have one, other than to say that the whole idea that "if you try hard enough and want it bad enough, you'll succeed" is at very least not foolproof, and at very best, BS.
What sticks in my craw was something I heard last night to the effect of "96% of success is hard work and effort". Maybe this notion does reflect the idea of white-hot intensity still being prone to failure. Or maybe it's stoicism wrapped up in a platitude. Either way, it is an uncomfortable statement to try and digest at the moment.
I don't deny the importance of high standards and have no desires to see corners cut or values diluted. You do what you do, when you can do it, and you are judged on your merits accordingly. I don't expect, nor desire, anyone to provide me shortcuts. When people fall short, many times it is because of a decision, conscious or habitual, to not put the work in that is required of the task.
Failure stings. To be addressed and associated, though, with others who have failed, but have not put as much effort in, stings doubly. And maybe I shouldn't judge. Who am I to say these people didn't put in requisite effort? Maybe some did, maybe some didn't. All I know is that I came prepared, focused and ready for success... only to find spectacular ways to fail.
To get "96%" of the way there with hard work and effort -- only to inexplicably stumble over the remaining, intangible 4% -- seems almost a statistical anomaly. Yet here I am.
"It happens," I was told. Yes. It happens to me more often than I'd like to admit.