I haven’t written anything independently since we broke up, and I don’t know how to get anything out anymore because I depended so much on him emotionally. It didn’t occur to me until this year that I’ve actually moved on but I’m really struggling to get my thoughts together and I want to sit and talk with him and apologize for how I treated him and the relationship. I don’t try to justify my actions in the relationship because when I try to, I blame him. Neither of us were ready for what we both held so strongly. We weren’t ready for each other, but we pushed down our egocentric barriers and built a wall to protect what we created together and blocked out everyone else. We had a world that we lived in and now it is abandoned. It’s collecting dust and starving from the lack of gold and white petals that we fed our little home. I still think about what we talked about - running away and taking a train far away to god knows where. We had a connection unlike anything I’d ever experienced before and I’ll never be able to explain how otherworldly the whole thing was. I can barely remember what my life was before him and I almost hate him for that. He gave me the best and worst time of my life and I’ll never be able to explain why this was so liberating.
I don’t look at movies the same, I don’t listen to music the same. I can’t stand listening to certain songs, because it reminds too much of the times he’d lay with me and fill me up with so much love I couldn’t breathe. The way he touched me, the way he kissed me was so gentle and compassionate. I felt his love and all that he put into it and thinking about it now makes my heart pound. He has so much control over me. I’m so unsure of all of myself now, I can’t go back no matter how hard I try.
It wasn’t until after that first year did I realize how much we actually couldn’t agree upon. I noticed how distant he’d become after our encounters and how brutal our ups and downs were. We weren’t ready for eachother. We never were. He’d hold me and struggle to understand the meaning behind his arms around my waist and why I loved it. He kissed me so increasingly weak that I felt his distance every time he pulled away. I remember being so tired after spending the day with him because I put so much of myself into the events and was only met with a wall. My white petals were beginning to wilt and he was gold and flourishing. He was like weeds. Growing, and growing and infecting everything else. He used me to grow and I let him. I desperately fought for our home on the ground but he’d already found a tower to stowaway in and protect. The relationship was so much bigger than us. It was so irrevocably discovered and dug up that our land and love depleted. We woke up, our walls built so high and weak. We weren't imagining anymore.