An open letter to the one I loved but not entirely
Hey. I like you a lot. And to be honest I don't know where and when it started but when I guess you started being nice to me, I felt like there could be a chance.
I fell in love with the feeling.
I wish I could say that, but the more I think about it, the more I think about what could be, and the more I think about you, I suddenly realized,
I fell in love with you.
And you know what? I hate it. I really do. And it fucking hurts me every day more and more. I wish you knew how many times I cried thinking that this would all go away so easily. But sadly, it has gotten worse. It's as if the first time I cried opened a dam of emotions I never thought I had.
Because of that fucking "what if?" I just kept on imagining what could be the result of telling this to you. Forever just imagining. Because I feel both the joy and sadness:
The joy of you reciprocating the feelings and the sadness of rejection.
It's really confusing, this feeling I'm having for you. I'm not blaming you for it, not at all. I'm practically blaming myself, for assuming. For assuming that we could be and for assuming you'll leave me once I say this.
I love you.
This is not going away until I say this to you. But I feel like it's the best answer. It's the best way for me to end this rollercoaster of emotions. For me, it's either a door to open a new relationship or a lock for a forbidden one.
For being so selfish. I know you're going through a lot. Probably facing more problems than me. But I want to take care of myself. I want to be happy. I want this to go away. Because deep in my heart, I know it's not going to be.
and, thank you.
For being there for me. For sharing your stories. For helping me realize I am capable of loving a person. For being a way to find myself more. For being a reminder that I once fell in love so intense that it could make me cry.
To be completely honest, I don't want this feeling to end, but it has to.
I don't expect you to be friends with me again. But at the very least I want you to know someone cares for you. Enough to have you for the rest of their life.