a letter to the one that broke my heart the first time
hey. i don’t know where to begin but i guess i’m writing this for myself, hoping that as i finish this letter, i get to see that this is a blessing and not a curse given to me by the gods telling me i’m not someone that supposed to be loved and cared for.
it’s funny how things turned out this way. we’ve only been dating for weeks and you have already become a habit — a bad habit. messaging you everyday to know how you were doing, going to your house late at night so i could work, greeting you good morning, and kissing you good night.
they say that it takes three weeks for things to become a habit. when i saw that this could be something else, i thought, i should give you a try. i should open up and let you know how i feel even if what will welcome you is an abyss so deep and empty that could get you overwhelmed.
i was scared to tell you about myself. i guess that’s what made us crumble. i wanted to trust you but i couldn’t allow myself to.
i remember our first night together — we didn’t do anything. we just stared at each other’s faces, talking about whatever comes to mind. that night, i cried while looking at you. i cried, because for the first time in my life, i felt that someone could actually care for me like that. that someone could actually notice that my wide smile and short laughs comes from a deep well of trying to keep up with everyone. i thought maybe, this could be it.
how lucky could i have been if we did work out? you’d be my first relationship. but in this cruel harsh world, i should know by now that most firsts are too good to be true.
the way your eyes light up when you talk about the things you love, the way your eyebrows curl when i tease you, when you assist your hand on my back for me to go first, the way you hugged me, held my hand, touched me. those were the small things i really noticed about you. the small things that really made me think that i could open up to you and let you in my heart.
but, as soon as i became easygoing with you, that’s the moment i hurt you. the moment i took you for granted. i didn’t know that in a span of a day, your love for me could slowly fade away.
i knew what was coming when you slowly start to become cold. it made my emotions inside panic. slowly, the chains of my pandora’s box started to erupt. to get broken. i knew i had to do something so i urged you to talk to me.
“i’ve been thinking about the past week…”
when i got that message, suddenly, the box just decided to open. all the dark thoughts i had kept for a very long time rushed as they get out of their prison one by one. as darkness enveloped around and within me, i realized i was really a person out of hope.
what i thought was a week of me crying turned out to be only two days. that’s how long the days were for me. sometimes i wish that time could just fast forward to the day i get to forget about you, what we did to each other... what you did to me.
when we had the closure i begged to get from you. i thought that was it. time for me to accept that it's not going to happen. but i guess the real pain starts here.
now i cry with certainty.
i cry because now i know there's no point of holding on to "what ifs".
i cry because i wanted this to work out, but seeing how your eyes were different when you were talking to me, i knew i had to stop.
i cry because i care for you so much that i allowed myself to get away from you so you could move on.
i cry because it's over.
i'm still trying to learn how to cope up with what happened. if you only knew how much i begged to God to erase my memories of you. so i could move forward with my old self but i knew that'd be a bad decision.
because i know that my old self would hate me for that. it'd mean that he wouldn't be able to experience this pain. so having experienced this now, at the age of 21, is better; a bittersweet way to start 2018.
it'd be hard to move on from someone you've opened up to. sometimes, i wonder if you were ever as hurt as me. but i guess that question will never be answered.
we have the same wavelength. but we're parallel to each other so we didn't really meet.
i just hope that as i let you go, you use the time to look into yourself. know that the emptiness inside can't be filled by another person. i pray that you get to experience more in your life and as you grow more as a person, you'll accept that it's the emptiness is never going to be filled up. it's just a matter of how strong you are to accept it.
as for me, i'm allowing my demons to run freely this time. slowly, i'll learn to control them. and then hopefully, if i get to meet someone again, i'll do my best to trust them more.
i'm going to wait still but not as intense. i should go with the flow sometimes and let you come to me instead. it's a stupid idea but you know? this'll slowly change through time.
i'll see you when i see you.
i love you, with no goodbyes.