Currently I have a weave in. I sat down braided the best cornrows with the the small 4c hair that I have and sowed and sowed and weaved and weaved tracks of soft, wavy Brazilian hair on top of my coily hard Afro hair, suppressing my naps and my coarse curls. What do I do? I'm at a point where I see the activist, I see the media and I see the women advocating and celebrating natural hair. But I'm not there yet. I just got to realizing that aftican americans are not different than Africans. That I have a very racist and skewed view on black Americans and I am just now learning to destruct my upbringing and privledge in terms of being an African and not having my history stolen and knowing where I come from and bruh proud to be Togolese if that makes sense. Like I JUST GOT THERE. I grew up thinking being dark is ugly, not only school but my mother taught me if I was darker I should scrub harder my own mother!!who used to come in and scrub me harder! Me having not just my natural hair but my hair at all in school or even to take out the trash out in public I felt anxious. It was sooo much just as a black woman to hair hair and it looking a certain way and here we are like not even a decade later like just 10-5 years later and natural hair movement is being forced down my throat by these fairer skinned mixed women or these women with the soft curls bouncing in front of the camera and I'm being told why am I not on board? I'm not ready and it's very hard for me! I ended up on this natural hair thing by a mistake, in fact I had my hair cut Ina pixie and straightened like a white person and I left home during that time and I couldn't afford a perm and just didn't buy it, I couldn't afford to invest in my hair with weaves and braids (for about 6months) but to wrap this up and I know it's messy and I kind of said fuck punctuation at some point here but I just don't know what I should do. Should I take this weave out and face the me, the real me that I think is ugly with my real hair and my dark skin? Should I face her? Should I go outside the house with her? Because I don't think I can. Growing up I was taught dark skin is ugly and black people hair is ugly, now it's like you want me to go outside with both of those thing???? That's just so much. Idk I'd love a dialogue or convo and just would love more people telling me dark skin is beautiful and natural coarse coarse short hair is beautiful! I don't need an Afro, I don't need soft curls, I can do me and be me and still be acceptable and to be honest I don't think that's where we are in society, we're on that journey though.