I guess it starts with writing.
a change, I mean.
removing this brick wall that I feel. that I've unintentionally placed within myself. it's sad how I feel weird writing now. I haven't done it in so long although it's been on my heart for a while. I've learned to silence the urges. to just push past the need to see what I'm thinking right in front of me. even through me feeling weird, I feel relieved that I was finally able to push through.
I've been absent from everything lately. from others. from conversations. from my surroundings. but most harmfully, from myself. I keep ending up in this place and I'm not quite sure how to stay out of it. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing and even the times when I do, I'm not sure of the steps I should take to get there. I want to be better, but it's difficult when you lack consistency. or the will to stay faithful to change. it's so odd when you know you have the power to completely change your life and you just...don't. you actively make the decision to do something else. despite how much you want to be or do differently, the ease of remaining stagnant is sometimes too overpowering.
I'm uncomfortable now. in my own skin and within the environments that I allow myself to be in. but somehow, I stick with it. I'm loyal to the constant dis-ease that I claim to fall victim to even though I know that the power truly lies within my choices. it could all be so simple. as easy as just deciding on one thing. to do THIS instead of that. to be this instead of THAT. but the easiness of it all gets lost for me sometimes. as much as I love to pay attention to detail, I frequently have trouble looking at the pieces of something instead of the bigger picture all of the time. so the LEAP from where I am now and where I'd like to be seems too grand to me, when in reality...a change really starts with a choice.
so I guess it starts with writing.