Everyone has a story whether they realize it or not. A story that will inspire at least one person. My story, well, I’ve never felt my story would inspire anyone but I always figured it may be something that at least one person could relate to. I’ve always been somewhat ashamed of my story, for whatever reason, and never wanted to share it.
Now’s the time.
My story is long, I’m not sure where to start, and I’m not sure how "short and sweet” I’ll be able to keep it.
This post does not come easy but here we go…
Most little girls dream of having a family of their own one day. I was no different. When I reached dating age, I knew I definitely didn’t want children anytime soon so I took responsibility to prevent it from happening. I went about my teenage and young adult years, getting married at 23 and divorced soon after (it was civil and mutual). During that time, we thought we wanted children, we tried, and nothing happened. After my divorce, I decided it was a good thing children never came, never thinking anything more about it.
I dated, moved around the country, lived, loved, and cried.
In May 2011, my brother died by #suicide, leaving everyone heartbroken and an emotional and a mental fucked up mess. The angst and turmoil have haunted my parents, myself, and his 2 children every since. And while I personally deal much better with it today, I didn’t always have my shit together. Alcohol, marijuana, and relationship drama of any kind were my 3 best friends during this time. It’s how I “coped” and how I numbed the pain.
After months of the toxic BS, I heard my brother voice in my head demanding me to get my shit together! My actions were NOT true to me and my belief system and he was letting me know it. So I listened and I got my shit together. I cut back on alcohol to the occasional social drinking and sustained from relationships and marijuana for several months. Long enough for me to FINALLY be comfortable and happy being single, without any desire for a relationship. It was the best I felt in a long fucking time!
3 years after my brothers death, I found a job here in Ohio (I was living in Indiana prior to this) and needed a place to live ASAP! A friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his who he called Flipper. Flipper agreed to let me be a roommate until I had enough money for my own apartment, basically a month or so. Fast forward 4 years and Flipper and I are now engaged!
Flipper’s real name is Randy and he’s been a part of my story for 4 and a half years now.
Randy and I have both been married so getting married anytime before now wasn’t a priority. We knew where our relationship was at and where it was going. What we did decide was that we wanted children. Yes, children before marriage. Let’s face it…my ovaries are aging. We made the conscious decision in October of 2015 to begin our baby journey.
Randy and I have been trying to conceive for 1 year and 10 months with never a positive test (OPK or HCG). When we started this journey my periods went from regular to suddenly irregular. Almost as if an immediate warning that this was NOT going to be easy! Irregular periods make it hard to figure out when you may ovulate, when to start progesterone or anything of that nature. Personally, for my own body, I’m not, at all, a fan of artificial intervention (totally cool if you are!), so I set out to learn about natural fertility, what effects our reproductive systems, temping, etc.
Here we are, August of 2017, still not pregnant but learning more about our fertility everyday, narrowing it down, and honing in on what the “problem” may be.
This journey has been so fucking emotional! It’s been rough.
We’ve kept this a secret for so long for fear of what people may say. In other words, we feared judgmental assholes. But then we realized this is OUR journey and we’re not alone. So we are now choosing to talk about it and share our experience with others.
I’ll be sharing what we’ve done up until this point, what we're currently doing, & what we’ve learned in future posts.