There is a wall that I have carefully constructed around my heart. It is stacked with past hurt to explain the anger, pride to hide the insecurity, independence to cover the deep need, and idols to numb the pain of "less than."
Slowly over the last four months, the building blocks of this wall have begun to crack. The past hurt can't seem to justify the anger. The pride can't seem to hide the insecurity in the right ways. The independence can't seem to fill the need I have for connection. The idols can't seem to satisfy.
The wall is beginning to crumble, yet rather than letting the Father's love pour beyond the wall, I have let the world. The mess behind the wall seems unbearable and far too ugly to let Him see. If He sees me, He won't like me. If He sees my mess, He will cast me aside just like everyone else.
I think this is the farthest from the truth. I think He is kind and gracious, but I can't hear Him over the shame and guilt I have clung to. I can't hear Him over the lies I have come to recite by heart. I can't hear Him over the disappointment of desires unfulfilled.
I think He is nice and loves me a lot, but I won't let Him.
Instead, I have continued to run to the world, gripping for any type of love or acceptance I can find.
His love is too good to be true. Forgiveness is too good to be true.
Unconditional love is far too good to be true.
Surely He has left me.
Surely He is done with me.
Surely He sees no use for me.
And yet, here I lay. Another day given to me by Him. I see a mess and He sees a purpose.
Thank you, 2016, for cracking my wall, crumbling the stacks, and proving that substitutes just aren't good enough.
Thank you, 2017, for being filled with grace to fail, grace to stumble, grace to discover Him, grace to accept His truth and grace to believe what He believes about me.
My hope is that the little heart behind the wall will begin to look like the sweetly constructed body He gave it to dwell in.