I knew she was going to do it. She'd murder them all. I'd read the clues and argued with my mum who claimed "you can't know cos you didn't watch the after show with commentary!"
Why then, did i stick around? These people aren't exactly my friends but now she's stabbing them with a phillips head screwdriver & grandad is just sitting there eating cake!? "It's the best thing you can do in this family." he says.
I realize now that I knew it would happen because I've seen it all happen before; just like this. I am running for the front door and I wonder "wasn't there a girl that survives?" and then I feel the metal tool tear and slide into my back. If a girl did survive, she wasn't me.
Would you like to know more about the family?
*The best way to get anyone to fall for you is to be Robert Downey Jr.
I'm trying to get back to my hotel room after a particularly monstrous ad agency outing left me in a sketchy burger bar, coked out of my nerves with a bunch of sleepy musicians. A rat tells me he can fly and since i'm also a rat I decide to try. It works. Then the rat tells me the sky and the lake is filled with rats. That's when I fall into the water and regain my humanity. yes. Just in time to kick and flail at the vermin to keep them away.
A merman shows up. He brings me to shore and we are smitten. We kiss. He dries off and immediately transforms into a plain divorced lady with a young boy and an old dog. I'm concerned she wont love me anymore, but when I dry off I transform into Robert Downey Jr.
I figure i'm golden, but she decides it's already time to discuss where this relationship is headed. We kiss again, and it feels like a contract.
She never ends up trusting me with her son or her dog. Explicit feeding instructions lead me to say flippant things about dogs gorging themselves and I'm instantly a villain. It's the first time she looks at me as though she regrets kissing me that second time. I'm more of a second child to her.
Her son and I plant roses in the garden while she laments the fact that she bought roses at all. "Pointy side down?" I ask, knowing it doesn't matter; The seeds are hollow.
The garden is at her grandfather's cottage home. It's an unlucky locale. She accidentally shot her uncle there, (which ended with a fantastic boat race) and her creepy fuck of a cousin always seems to be around. She's upset about me not wanting to be the one who feeds her dog, meanwhile this creepy little shit is putting pins in things just to see if he can sneakily prick someone. Most people would assume he'd be the one to murder the family.
Turns out it was the lady who could turn into an otter. He'd pricked her well enough that it was painful to be in otter form. She was so angry. She felt the whole family was complicit, since we could have institutionalized him ages ago.
I should have just gone back to my hotel room.