I certainly don't blame her for the breakup, and I'm finally starting to go a little easier on myself over it. Even still, going to bed without her still breaks my heart every goddamned night. It's been over two years since we shared a bed or fell asleep in each other's arms and I still reach for her in the middle of the night. And yet I can feel the healing starting not despite the pain but delivered through it.
I understand why she has such animosity towards me, it's not only a reaction to the things I've done but it also how she avoids feeling the heartbreak. There are times when I'm envious of that but I know that ultimately it only magnifies and prolongs the pain. And neither of us have to be in pain at all. None of us do. We're afraid of not being loved and so we create incredibly painful defenses. The one thing that would resolve our pain is the very thing that we're trying to protect ourselves from: loving fully and being loved in return.
I'm not going to turn this pain into cynicism, I'm not going to turn it into hatred, in not going to turn it into disconnection. All that ever does is turn us into parabolic reflectors, amplifying the pain as we cast it across humanity. The only way through it is through it, the pain has to be experienced for the healing to take place and those of us who chose to be forerunners of wholeness will get to feel the pain and choose love anyways.
@ellowrites @elloart @iphoneography