He Said It's OK to Write a Book
Yesterday was an emotional day A though I don't think I really need to tell you that. I felt pushed away and in a separate incident i was very much betrayed. I understand that betrayal can be relative the degree of severity and often affected by personal bias for or against persons involved and circumstances. None of those things that ultimately matter mean much to me right now. I want to talk not so briefly about crying.
I went to sleep with some nasal congestion, telling myself than I am alright and everything is ok, only to wake up 4 hours later, still slightly congested. I didn't want to rehash events, didn't want to try to understand what led to me being where I am in any other sense than science. This brings me to this brings me to tear ducts. Well tear ducts, lacrimal duct, lacrimal sac, nasolacrimal duct, the whole thing. The point is that sometimes we cry visibly because tears flow out of our lacrimal ducts. Did you know that we cry internally in more than the figurativel sense?
Sometimes/oftentimes our tears travel down the nasolacrimal duct into our sinuses. Other things happen along the way. Mucus is produced. Blah blah we get all congested, runny nose, salty tears taste in the back of our throats. This is something I learned about years ago and naturally when I learned about it, my sinuses were almost instantly full. Even though we, I may not literally be crying on the outside I am quite literally crying on the inside. Sadness is sadness and grief is grief. I had been crying so much of my life and up to that moment I thought I was being such a tough girl. I was a tough girl with allergies was all. The times I would cry visibly weren't the beginning of the tears it was in some ways the overflow valve. Relief valve? It was that thing that helps prevent damage to the internal components of any other machine.
This evening I put on my game face, said it is what it is, and went to bed. I think I told you goodnight and if I didn't I apologize. I told myself There's nothing to talk about. Nothing I wanted to talk about, there has clearly been enough talking and it wasn't going to change what happened. I have no control over the past. I was fine, just a little congested is all. I woke up 4 hours later to a bit of post nasal drip, slight sinus pressure and I didn't reach for the allergy medicine. I moved myself into a position of comfort, a recovery position and told myself that's it's ok to be sad and it's ok to cry. That I know I'm not really ok right now but that I will be.
The irrefutable evidence that everyone cries inside and/or out makes it a bit easier to be self comforting. It's as though my body has a say and the right to express it's sadness even if I have put it to the back of my mind and hardened heart. Sadness collects in the blood perhaps. It's spread through our bodies because a heart though hardened will still beat. It explains the deep pain in our core as all that sadness pulses through our aorta and out to the very finest capillaries. It explains how we can be overcome with grief. To me it explains why sadness and/stress and/or grief can make a person sick and why people can die of a 'broken heart' (takotsubo cardiomyopathy).
I know that this is no box of chocolates or tissues or someone's shoulder or bottle of wine or favorite pillow, but it's comforting to me. More often than not I am not privy to the 'why' of things. I am thankful for the times that I can at least seek out and understand the 'how'. I'll go ahead and celebrate that.
My eyes are quite dry though, almost itchy. I'll blame that on the ceiling fan.