THERE’S NO KNOWING
I blinked a couple of times, then promptly forgot I was dreaming. That’s not good. Hard to get anything done over there if you’re unconscious.
The house’s light and empty, like it’s nighttime. Lila’s in the bedroom.
“Hey,” I said.
She’s in a rocking chair, rocking. “Hey.”
I looked at her hand and saw only her engagement ring. Rings are stupid anyway. But where’s the other one? That’s what I was wondering.
“I’ve decided to put it back in its box. We need a break until we can figure things out.”
There’s a rush of pain to my chest and eyes. “I don’t …”
“You do get it. And we need some time.”
It’s several hours later, and I have to go out.
The front of my house looks like my grandmother’s--my mother’s mother, not my father’s.
I saw Kuntz in his car, shiny black in the night and expensive.
I tapped the cabin.
He stuck his head out. “Hey, T.”
“Hey. What’re you doin’ here?”
“Nothin’. Just waiting.”
I nodded, but I knew. Somehow I knew.
I went on my way--to do fucking what, I dunno ‘cause I was back home as quickly as I’d left.
Lila was evasive. Ang was there, too. It’s her birthday.
“Was that Kuntz I saw driving away?” Angie asked.
“What did he want?” ‘Cause they were married and all that, once upon a time, before the days of Angie Everafter.
Lila looked away.
“Yeah, I saw him too,” I said. “Right as I was leaving.”
“It’s nothing,” Lila said. “He just came by to talk to me.”
“About what?” Angie asked.
“Nothing. Just stuff. We’re in a similar situation. And plus I like the fit.”
Angie’s eyes went wide and looked at mine. I knew what she meant.
I went past Lila and gestured for her to follow me.
“Did you fuck him?”
Lila looked away then back to me.
I sighed and put a hand to my face. “Jesus …”
There’s nothing to say after that. Days rolled by and more names came out, including Plum’s dad, Prunus.
“Fucking Prunus?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I told them I have kind of a self-destructive streak. They seemed to like that.”
I cried. It’s the ugly, pleading, no dignity kind of crying. But she’s resolute, softer at the end, when she said, “Let’s just call it what it is and end it. You’re never gonna forgive me. So why not just end it?”
The pain’s so intense I couldn’t really breathe. But my mind agreed. “Yeah. Okay. Whatever.”
And we set about the business of dismantling the life we’d built together.
When my eyes blinked twice again, and I was awake, I knew it was a dream. But my dreams weren’t just like other people’s dreams. My dreams weren’t nothing. But there’s no knowing what’s what once you’re awake.
From T Van Santana & The Black Book of Fear. #bbof
I’m going to use these excerpts I’ve posted on Ello to construct some kind of framework (not an outline ‘cause fuck an outline) and then write the proper draft in November for NaNo. But until then, the spice must flow …