After giving birth to Gabe postpartum hit hard. The chemical cocktail gone the moment he arrived. I did not feel like me. A stranger in a skin suit. I struggled. I did the best I could clinging on to my sanity by my fingertips. That is when you abandoned me. The time I needed you most you checked out. Why? Because you weren’t getting attention as often as you wanted?
Four years you left me in my hell. Four years of tears. Struggle. Pain. On top of which you felt it best to point out how unpleasant I was. That I was not better but worse. My screamed filled echos of ‘i know’ and ‘help me’ skipped endlessly off mountain tops and fell on deaf ears not to be heard.
Even now that you’ve checked back in you still splay my perceived faults. Now you check in just enough. Just enough not to crack the ice. Just enough to appease yourself, not me. Duty and honor you say. Here’s your duty and honor. Empty vessels I can no longer fill.
Instead I sit in the sadness of the void left in your wake. Sad because you fail to see it. Judging me against yourself. A poorer reflection. Im not me and I’m just not you.
Without this experience though I would not have found me. Turning away from the glowing neon signs of ‘not good enough’. For as much as I am saddened by your mile high reinforced walls I am also thankful. Throwing myself in to the stone of your defenses showed me how to find me. That is power. I am so much more than I believed.
Now I bide my time observing and offering compassion without sacrificing myself on your altar of validation. I balance the just enough. I allow it but I don’t buy in to it. Who you are should not limit my own beliefs.
I am not your beliefs. I am my own.
I observe the ever changing light. The seasons. The beauty of living all of these experiences. Even my experiences are not just me. A culmination of regurgitated beliefs. A by-product of past generations.
In that abandonment I sat with myself. I discarded all of my beliefs and started listening. That’s the funny thing about alone. There is no one trying to tell you otherwise. My voice ever so faint whispered to me. I listened. It asked questions. I listened. It got louder. I listened. It comforted. I listened. It nudged. I listened. Until I Believed.
Slowly listening turned in to action. “You are valid” it would poke. Believe in what you say. I rose. I stared down fear. Leaning in with a wicked smile. You left me alone for too long. Or in fact just long enough. I changed. A metamorphosis.
I am poetry in motion. The verb in a sentence. My body speaks in tongues. My soul unconfined. I am that point of exclamation! Dotted exuberantly with intention! Gusto. Bravery. Determination. Tenacity. Passion. Surrender. I am focused, honed, excitement. Electric. A Generator. A live wire. Sparking. Lighting others up.
I am Love. Tender. Strong. Permeating. Patient. Forgiving. Wondrous. A torus of energy, forever folding and renewing.
I found me
The best gift I’ve ever opened.