This is my 10th day in what a friend has termed 'purgatory'. a time of considerably less communication in hopes that together we will come out of this stronger, but understanding that there is a risk that there won't be a 'we' that comes out of this at all. I'm showing all the emotions and don't feel a need to show restraint. I've got two months at least to be myself by myself.
I want to tell him that I've made up my mind. I want to tell him that i'm going to stay here and go to school for something that I'm darn good at but don't love because not being in love with my job will keep me grounded. That after school is done and credentials are earned I'm not moving to unknown town with a three digit population. I'm going to look for a job on a coast with nice evergreens and. I want to tell him that happiness is largely unattainable, but every so often we can get a glimpse of what happy probably is. Maybe even what perfection feels like, even if only for 6 seconds at a time. I want to tell him that not spending the rest of my life striving for happy means more lifetime spent enjoying what I have and not continuing to wait for him to get down to the level of me on his list of priorities. I only say that because I informed in his reorganizing of his priorities I was indeed moved down some notches.
I want to tell him that purgatory is a bad idea and I'm sorry I thought of it. I would tell him these things and more of only A) I had more courage, B) He would listen long enough for me to finish before his mind wandered back to his to do list, and C) I thought for even one moment that he would take the time to not just hear me but to listen and respond. But currently here's too busy to talk to me. He's arranging his affairs so he can have a steady job with the hours he wants and be moved in to his new house. Busy selling his previous rental properties and older cars he never got around to fixing. Spending his weekends off ticking off boxes and doing repairs so he'll have a more comfortable place to live by the winter and what he considers a decent place bring me home to. Not 'our' house of course, a better representation of who he is and how he lives.
Am I ungrateful? Is gratefulness a worthwhile consideration? Is there possibility that being a low(er) (wo)man on the totem pole is an inappropriate description? Could being closer to his foundation as he is 'turning a new leaf' be a more accurate description, or is it me not being a quitter? Not knowing when to call things a wash. That's tough to say since at the beginning we both described how much like our parents we aren't the type to walk away. We are more old fashioned so to speak. We believe in seeing the course and working things out. Old souls we are, we don't quit. Didn't quit. Shouldn't quit. Have we quit? I'll need more time in purgatory to decide. At least 50 more days. Also, I started making soap. Feels good.