There is a goddess on my nightstand, and one lurking inside that hollow vessel my grandmother left by my door. Her ashes are scattered all over my Persian rug, and I am too heartbroken to do anything about it.
There's a knock on my door but no one's here to answer. Far outside my window a priest brushes his head lice into the soft unleavened dough. He looks at the empty altar begrudgingly and the void in his guts burns stronger. Downstairs, hunched over a broken toilet seat a nun stares at her reflection in a secret shard of glass— mirrors were taken down when the goddess left. She fumbles with a pouch in a haze. The nun takes out the last deliriant plants and hallucinates her last cathartic sex with the antichrist.
Back in my room, the stench of rotten bones and burned zug hangs heavy around my nostrils, I am running out of saints to hail, and the goddess still won't budge from my nightstand. Somewhere inside my ribcage, guilt awakens for a prematurely buried lover. Talk about a bad day.
A mantra resonates in my head; 'Every day's a good day to hide from oneself'
In the chapel across the street, the priest has two women and a shattered sense of self to mourn.
Downstairs a disgarboiled nun lies, a ferly smile contradicts her deathly pallor. Fredonnante.
In my room, I wait for the goddess to leave, and the goddess waits for the vessel to shatter.The monotony of this is suffocating and I can’t pray for release.
The mantra resonates in my head once more; 'Every day's a good day to hide from oneself'
I walk to the tub in the centre of the room and collapse on my knees. My grandmother's ashes are rough against my skin. The water's been there for a while, If I stare hard enough I can make out the goddess tears, the priest laniating the holy scrolls in bits, the nun's insides flushed down and underneath it all, I can see my face. Ennui m'envahit. My eyes roll back and my head lunges forward, I have now lost control.
When I inhale, it's not air that soothes my ennui but dirty water, and then the world around me ceases.
'Every day's a good day to find oneself'