Good afternoon @ellowrites It's about recovery:
So nice to wake up and realize that if I’m going to court it is because I sent my lawyer after somebody or it is a social visit – not because I have to. That is literally my first thought as I soak in 13 years of sobriety.
If you are new, or just have not read them yet, please read http://www.bobbyo1967.com/2013/09/the-night-i-stopped/ and http://www.bobbyo1967.com/2013/09/im-sorry-if-my-diseases-dont-make-sense-to-you/
After reading those, I make more sense, I promise. If you need more, just hit the recovery tab under topics and there is plenty of recovery to read.
For today, I will do the usual because I always believe someone who just found out that they suffer from addiction and/or mental illness is reading me today. That makes some of what I cover repetitive but it is also worth it since it can be passed on and someone else can celebrate 13 years.
As someone who has done this continuously for 13 years without a relapse, I am like 1 in 47,000. Add in my Bi-Polar 1 disease, I become 1 in 141,000. Obviously, the universe has plans for me.
How do I stay sober?? It starts with my faith. I am a Catholic with strong Pagan roots, a love for Baphomet because he got screwed over, and a healthy bulwark of Deist principles. Some “Christians in name only” who pervert Christ try to say I am influenced by the Devil. The Devil does not keep people sober.
Every day starts with prayer before a Templar Cross. Your how or where or to whom is up to you. None of all that really matters since in reality, all Higher Powers are the same one. We just perceive them differently. It is the ability to be humble in the presence of that power which delivers the reprieve from the disease for 24 hours.
The next step is to meditate. In my case, I am always looking to tap in the currents of creativity that are all around us. They were created literally at the time of the big bang. For the creative skills I supposedly possess, what I actually own and try to refine is this ability to find the streams. The goal is not to re-direct them but let them flow through.
Following that, there is exercise. Exercise is great for sobriety but it is even better for mental health. This benefit multiplies in value when you suffer from mania like I do now and again. Some mania is healthy. Some mania can get you out of some tight situations. Some mania leads to energy others just do not have. After that, mania starts to get scary. The trick is to walk up to the edge of scary and peer over the side without falling in. Right at that tipping point, there is an incredible creativity stream.
You also need to flush your system. Those of us who deal with mania deal with violent fantasies and the like. Best to rinse them out of your system all alone on the street at 615 and be done for the day. That keeps them from suddenly creeping up while you’re in that client meeting at 2. Fear not, your mind will make more as you need them.
I work the steps daily and keep my in recovery associations to a very small group of people. In my prayers I ask for another day and then ask that the sick seek me out. I need to be in a right frame of mind when that happens. I can tell I am on track when many sick people start showing up at once since the universe has guided them to me. Notice that is not my Higher Power’s job. That would violate free will. The universe is already set up to reward certain behaviors so the element of “choice” is not necessary.
Speaking of choice, I did not choose my disease. I had it before using the first time. I was going to use someday whether I wanted to or not. Once I did, everything else clicked in. It is unavoidable.
The only people who had a choice in avoiding the disease are the new opioid addicts. They make up about 3% of us. Had a doctor not turned them on to Big Pharma, they never would have gotten here.
This gives me a chance to clear up a misconception that is out there. There is no such thing as a gateway drug. It does not exist. There are pass through drugs. Therefore, legalizing weed should be done immediately. That would cut down on the number of opioid addicts people like me have to deal with.
The person who is an addict will try weed and it might work for a while. When it no longer works, it is not because weed was a gateway, it is because their addiction status meant weed only had so much of a chance and they were going to pass through it.
If you gave Mr./Mrs. Opioid user weed instead of the opioid you would find out if they had the disease of addiction. Those who did not would not pass through. Under the current regimen, the system practically begs people to develop a physical addiction they never should have had.
For whatever reason, I am no longer dead yet so I can share these thoughts with you. If a Bi-Polar 1 addict and alcoholic like me does not have to die, maybe you or your loved one do not either. That is the best part of living one day at a time. I do get to live out the end of Our Town where I can sense it every minute. I am fully aware of who is here and who is not and when they left.
There was a great example of this the other night. I always thought Elvis died in his 50’s. He was 42. Forty freaking two. Because I was not old enough to understand, and very drunk for the whole trip, when we took a side journey from the 84 Olympics to stay at the Vegas Hilton, I had no idea how close to history I was. We went up to the top floor where the Elvis suite was. As a 17 year old kid, 77 was a memory of another time. Today I realize that if I made that same trip this year, it would be like Elvis happened in 08. That’s freaking yesterday.
So if you are suffering from addiction or mental illness, please reach out. Too many let the walls close in and take their own lives. Lord knows if I can get 13 years, having lived the way I have, anyone can. No matter what you do, or plan to do and never pull off, your Higher Power will not let you go. In order to stay in recovery, I cannot let you go.