Today was a good day. Until it wasn't. And I'm not really sure how it turned bad. Or not bad. No. It wasn't bad. But it stopped being good.
It's confusing and complicated but, sometimes I will be having one of the best days. I will be laughing and singing without force. Smiling even. But out of no where. Everything becomes slower. My eyes grow heavier, everything becomes grey and everyone else is fine but you sit there in the middle of everything wondering what went wrong.
Wondering how you got here. 2 seconds ago you were just as happy as them and laughing just as much as them. But, now you find that that smile is forced and all of sudden that laugh isn't as easy. Now you know. You are sinking again.
You are told there are things that triggers you to cause you to become this way but, you can't ever identify them. Or sometimes you can and the triggers are everything. The way the sun came through the window just then, or the honking of a horn, or the crying of a baby.
That's it. It just sucks you in. Each time you fall deeper and deeper. You don't want to do this. You don't want to be this way but you can't do anything to stop it though you have tried.
But you don't try anymore do you? You don't try to fight it bc it makes you sad. Sad that you feel this way. Sad that you seem to be the only one in that struggles to smile. That goes through this. It makes you feel lonely. And that's it. That's the magic trick. Because while it makes you sad and lonely it also makes you feel empty at all. Like you are feeling everything at once and nothing at all. All at the same time.