i was peeing after brushing my teeth, and I looked at my thighs. They looked so thin, because my shorts cover the part where they start getting larger and meet with my pelvis to hips. and i thought it was so cute, and then-- like lightening-- the thought that it would go away flashed through my mind. and i felt broken. and i sat on the toilet, and i thought-- as I think so very often on so many occasions throughout the day--, 'I just want to be skinny.'
anyways, then I looked in the mirror. And I try to never look at my body when I look in the mirror-- if I look in the mirror-- because I don't want to be triggered. Anyways, then I looked in the mirror at my body, while washing my hands. And I thought about my curves, which I've been thinking about a lot. And I thought, 'well, I have good curves. I just need to be skinny.' And that was the best I could get.
So, after that, I thought-- or perhaps it was before, and I can't quite recall the succession of events, but anyways, I thought-- 'I was doing so well dealing with my body dysmorphia? How did this happen?' And as I type this, I realize that being around my sister, who has her own slew of disorders is lowering my energy and my thoughts of myself. And I love her, but I can't be around that sort of body negativity. Because it's literally driving me like a screw into the ground-- and a screw in the ground is massively useless, for the most part.