A Pissed Off Dude On His Deathbed
Just my idea of a story of a dying man who tries to keep it real as much as possible before he kicks the bucket. Let me know what you all think!
I am going to die soon. Really fucking soon.
The pain was unbearable. Yes, was. It's ironic because it hurt so much until it stopped hurting anymore, no lie. I don't know if it's because my nerves are totally fried or my mind has been broken.
All day long, I lay on my deathbed .
Sometimes the family is by the side, crying, weeping, being annoying.
Sometimes the friends come, the fair weather ones mostly. In this case, they had come for shelter, a shelter called "your friend's disease and he's fucking dying", protecting them from the stress and woes of their everyday life. I just know to them I am a good distraction, one where they get to feel good about themselves just because of the noble act of visiting.
Sometimes the angel of death comes himself, smiling at me lovingly as he prepares to... okay I am just kidding. Fuck that. Haha. Only a romantic loser would think up shit like that. Me? I am just dying.
Any day now.
You know what grinds my gears? People who're about to kick the old bucket and in it sprays forth into the air, like from a broken dam all sorts of wise bullshit.
Suddenly, the world is such a beautiful place. There is no rain or thunder, just sunshine.
Suddenly, all their enemies are forgiven.
Suddenly, they know so much about current events and politics, telling everyone what is wrong with our governments.
Suddenly, Tom the annoying neighbor who borrowed and never returned shit wasn't "such a bad guy after all."
Suddenly, your estranged kids are the best gifts you ever had, not that they even visit.
Suddenly, they believe in God.
Suddenly, death is okay.
And then they whine about their regrets. This is the more annoying part.
"I wish I traveled the world and seen more places."
"I wish I didn't work my life away."
"I wish I spent more."
"I wish I told her I loved her."
"I wish I can eat pizza again."
Give me a god damn break. Such a waste of time.
I am dying now and let me tell you this, dying sucks. It fucking sucks!
It's like being dumped by your first girlfriend as she decides that dating that ugly douche rat who's richer than you and then she doesn't bother to return your things even though she knows it's really important and that douche rat thinks it's funny to text you with her number, calling you 'little boy.'
Only dying is ten times worse.
There's no time for regrets. And there's certainly no time for pretending anymore.
Thanks mom and dad, for a shitty childhood. No, I don't love you all. Whew! That felt good.
Thank you Gloria for nothing and sometimes-good sex. I hope you and douche rat die in a fire.
Thank you colleagues for coming down to visit even though none of you invite me to Friday night drinks every week. No, it's not okay! Fridays are two dollars beer nights! Unforgivable!
Thank you my boss, for being the most pretentious fucking loser I've ever met. I certainly hope your wife finds you about you cheating with that hooker who's not even half-classy.
Thank you teachers from high school who somehow managed to find out which hospital I am at. No, you guys weren't great teachers. You guys weren't even in the "old and grouchy, but has lots of knowledge to pass on, albeit in an unfriendly way." You guys just made do the work because I feared you all. Pfft. So much for education.
Thank you social media for wasting all my god damn time.
Thank you God for making me live this shitty life.
There! I said it! I finally did! So maybe there is a god! I don't know! Whatever! I am fucking dying give me a break! I am two steps from falling over the edge and I don't even know if it's an abyss or, or... fucking whatever!
I guess that makes me closer than all of you all to finding out the answers to all of life's questions. Haha! I win!
Then why does it hurt so much huh? Why? Someone tell me!
Are you there?
Fuck these tears.
And fuck this body.
I am done.