I've been writing a story. Here's an excerpt if you're interested.
Sometimes I don’t really know where to start. I mean that with everything. I’m not the most decisive person in the world, and I figure most people can relate to that in some way. But at some point in my life I stopped being able to make the simplest decisions.
Everyone wakes up in the morning and goes through a routine. Some people can’t do anything until they have about five cups of coffee, some people get up earlier than others so they can squeeze in a shower or workout, and some people, depending on their jobs, just jump straight into work. If they aren’t working maybe their looking for work, or maybe they’re a student-either way- everyone has their own rituals to get them started in the day. I can’t seem to be able to do those things.
Every day I wake up an hour earlier than I have to because I need that extra hour to make decisions. The first thing I figure out is whether today is better than yesterday. How am I feeling overall? Is my sluggishness due to lack of sleep or am I still carrying over stress from the previous day? Will my smiles have to be forced today or can I squeeze in genuine interest in my surroundings?
Then I have to decide if I have enough energy to eat breakfast. That all depends on whether I can motivate myself to make my lunch for the day or whether I’ll just buy something from the convenience store on the way to work, again. I’ll think about what would happen if I just stopped going to work and how long I could get by before I have to get another job. I’ll think about what it might be like to just disappear. After that I take stock of my body. Do I feel whole? Why does it take so much effort to move? Why am I so tired all the time? Do I have enough time for more sleep, even though I went to bed early the night before and should be totally fine?
The hour will fly by and I’ll realize I have fifteen minutes to get to my bus stop or I’ll be late so I grab whatever clothes smell cleanest and struggle to top it all off with a hoodie while inhaling a piece of bread. And then I go to work where I don’t have to struggle over decisions for a little while because I’ll be doing the exact same thing over and over. Those are the easy days.
The hard days are when I wake up anxious for the day to be over already. Those are the days when I have just enough energy that I can’t lay still and think, but I have nothing to do to fill up the time in between. So I’ll eat a bowl of cereal and stare at my clothes which are the same clothes I’ve had for years because I feel guilty buying things for myself. I can’t choose what to wear because I really want to just burn everything I own. So I just stare, randomly picking up a shirt and putting it back down. In between sifting through piles of clothes for clean socks and imagining the wardrobe that I’ll always want but never have, I’ll go to the bathroom and stare at myself. I’m not sure what I’m looking for on those days.