I’ve been sober.
for 7 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days.
not from alcohol, or heroin
not from meth, or acid.
not from a single substance -
so now, because you’re confused,
you’re going to start looking at me
you’re going to look at me and think,
what the hell is she going on about, then.
I’ve been sober for 7 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days
and my rehab was what most people call a breakup.
I didn’t stutter.
you heard me right.
I am a survivor
of an emotionally, sexually abusive relationship.
that boy was my drug
he found me, easy target that I was,
and he gave me my first trip
just enough to get me hooked
but not so much that I was satisfied
satisfied… yes. my dependence grew fast.
but he was never satisfied
still needing more control,
still needing more power,
still needing to squeeze more tears
from my battered self
to make up for what he,
was incapable of
that boy was my drug
my cloak and dagger dealer
getting me so fucked up
I couldn’t tell my left, from my right
my up from down,
my right from wrong.
my built-in “this is bad” warning
from “crazy-voices” in my head.
that boy was a snake,
creepier than a python
more deadly than a boa constrictor
filled my head with whispers…
change this, do that, give me what I want and give it now, hate her, love them, you can’t sleep yet, don’t wear that you slut, how can you talk so loud, oh my god you can’t drink that
do you see the pattern?
not until it was too late.
he was a master-manipulator
better than a puppet-master,
he was a boy who deluded himself
so well he actually thought he was a man.
little does he know.
a man is the furthest thing
from who he is.
a man treats others with respect
he doesn’t behave like a sexist pig
he isn't a judgmental prick.
a man, does not speak in threats,
a man does not rape.
a man does not abuse, and call it love.
a man does not meticulously dismantle
a person’s being, and put it back together,
in the way he likes.
he left me broken and bruised
scared and a nervous wreck
desperately trying to restart my lungs
the withdrawals were horrifying
he tried to burn me into oblivion,
but those flames made me stronger
like a fine blade of steel,
and here I am
hello world, this is me.
I’m a survivor - and finally sober
I recalled my shattered pieces
and helped them back home again.
when I stumbled and started falling
back in the abyss, there was a net,
waiting to catch me
family and friends, arms open wide.
thanks to them,
I am an addict no more.
but let me take a moment,
I need to be honest -
still, there are nights, flashbacks
plagued with memories of a nightmare,
that leave me shaking and sweaty
cowering in the dark.
I am finally in love
honest to god, real, healthy love,
for the first time
and it kills me, that I still feel haunted.
that there are unexpected triggers
waiting around corners for me
it kills me,
that I am in love with a man,
yet still plagued by the residue
from the horrors of a boy.