WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? by @trevor_brown_artist
I had just had a wonderful conversation with my brother informing him to make sure that he kept his vibration at a high level and his kids will only pick up on the good energy. Obviously someone thought I was feeling myself, soon after I had changed my cover photo on FB to a throwback image of me and my father's mother my phone was ringing. She was calling me.
My first feeling was hostility which I knew I couldn't act on because then I would be considered disrespectful. I could hear the flat effect in my voice as I answered her questions my Spider-sense was on high alarm. I was in hyper caution mode, because this woman had done so much trickery to me it was never safe to let your guard down. My dander was up so high it was touching the ceiling, she was being extra sugary and I could tell this was a reaction to her sister my Aunt Mary calling her and telling her to behave better. This is the thing when you scorched the earth for the last couple of decades everyone is going to be leery of your actions. I had gone from vibrating at a nice level to my anxiety being off the chart, my colors had changed from a warm blue to a dark black. This wasn't healthy.
I sent my friend Sophia a text.
"My fathers mother called me and its so sad that my first feelings are ones of anxiety and caution. Which were even more triggered since she was attempting to be cordial. She is making an attempt probably due to being guilted into it from her sister, but she has left so much destruction in her wake, it's nearly impossible to recover from it."
"U have to find a way to forgive her. It's for your benefit not hers. So all will be well with you."
"Yes I do. I am realizing that my level of anxiety isn't healthy. I had to do that with her son also long after he had died."
Her son my father had attempted to kill me when I was about fifteen or so. He died five years later when I was twenty our relationship never recovered. I knew I had to move on and find resolution even though the person who caused me harm was long gone. I did the work and came through the other side. I would now need to do this work with his mother, who unlike him having one moment of bad behavior his mother had been a repeat offender.
"It's not easy."
Sophia offered sincerely.
"No it isn't. But I refuse to stay trapped. I will do the work.
It's so funny because I put a cover photo of me and her up today on FB. I think unconsciously I know I had to find resolution with this relationship."
"I think so too. And life is too short to live this way."
"The thing is she usually only calls when she wants something. My Aunt Mary is making her realize how poorly she treats people and that she needs to do better. This was her attempt which is admirable. But the last time she behaved like this she later stole money from me.
I think the key will be my brother. I have work to do on my own and he has to do a better job of checking on his grandmother. We can help each other."
"That's true. He should do more"
In my journals I am going to make an attempt to explore this relationship with my last surviving grandparent and try to figure out where it went wrong and why it seems irreparable, I may not find the answer but doing the work is the journey itself.
#trevorbrown #journal #familyissues #resolution @ello @ellowrites @writing