It is an unspoilt Monday afternoon in the Spring and I am reclined in a much too comfy armchair on a balcony and overlooking one of those streets exuding that distinctive Melbournian charm. Ought these be the circumstances for a young mind? Is it not doubly worse that I have only just opened my eyes after a nap?
Many would say i am spoiled. I ought to be obediently working behind a counter or at a desk and proving myself by overtime that clocks closer to midnight than the Australian dinner hour. Yet, here I am scribbling in a notepad and a burden on my society. For that is what I must seem - something to be only tolerated. To the many, I must have absolutely no conscience to be behaving in this way, to carry on persisting just as I am.
I must admit my conscience has wired me very strangely indeed. My smallness as a child imbued in my mind a defeatist disposition - why bother? I am outclassed by every other person in all the things that appeared to matter most. Its better I stop trying to compete for all the things everyone else has grasped for more magnificently than I. My efforts are better spent pursuing a less travelled road and its worth all of my effort to invent the ways in which it snakes forward. Put this way, the endeavour does not include in its calculations the truth that we are born radically dependent on others and thereby makes independence into a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. That is how it is possible for the same mid-twenties fellow to be at once cast a noble dreamer and a scrounge and all in the same breath.
It is important that my conscience answers this charge, the origin for that necessity is in ones life beginning with a disappointment. Recalling the earlier child, that my first and sovereign move in being, a move wholly within my own comprehension and thus made with full intentionality, was to take the easy way out of my smallness. Firmly instilled in my mind is that there is something like 'too hard'. And so passes a full quarter of a century without my ever standing on ones own two feet.
To be sure, I have worked incredibly hard at times and endured things others would not, but the seeds come from that original avoidance of those things I dare not try. A humiliation and shame. This is one of many ways it is possible to both believe in hard work and do none of it for oneself. If all of this is true, then what should follow? It seems there should be in equal parts a consequence and also an attempt on my behalf to mend my ways. I believe the consequence will be to have all the preciousness to which I cling robbed away in one fell swoop. I will be made to shudder to my core and possibly for the rest of the days that follow. Indeed, I am prepared for that, however such a thing is firmly beyond my control for I cannot hasten it anymore than I can hope to prevent it altogether from coming to pass. I believe I must then think upon how I must use the admission of my smallness to guide the time by which I am waiting for the inevitable. In this regard, I am resolved to cultivate the little that is wholly mine into a sustenance. The importance of my every next word is that my whole worth shall live or die by it. No realisation can make ones stomach sink quicker than a fact of this kind.
#writing #napping #juvenescence #life #reflection #defeat #persisting #being #sovereign #thinking @ellowrites