you're at the mall, trying to buy a swimsuit that doesn't fit so you have something to exercise about before next summer, when my noxious ass Seinfeld bit character voice slides its sorry daggers down your ear holes
"oh, how Delightful! You simply must try this." you try not to turn around, but, god dammit, you've tried ignoring me before and it only drags the process out. i'm off my fuckin' meds on something and i'm holding out a leaden crystal vase full of yellow garbage fluid.
"tell me more," you say, in the form of a lie.
i take a deep swig and that's your cue to disappear into a crowd. by the time the mall cops find me i haven't made it past the "cultural edification" portion of my speech